Who is the domestic abuser if she is getting hit and he is being controlled? Him...
her...
or both.
Things are not always black and white even when you are dealing with the black and blue.
Some people will want you to believe that there is only one victim, and it must be either her or him.
But the fact is when domestic violence hits home sometimes the dynamics reveal controllers, hitters and two wounded parties.
So you ask yourself, who is the abuser and who is the victim? Who is the primary aggressor? Another way of thinking about this is who is using the power and control strategies to impose their will upon the other? And which party appears to have the least amount of standing, weight and influence within the relationship? Who is more frightened, intimidated and likely to yield when the pressure is on? Control in Abusive Relationships When we know domestic violence, we understand that abuse is fundamentally about control.
It is essentially the forcing of one's will upon another.
These control dynamics are the core characteristics of abusive relationships.
What varies is the way in which one forces their will upon the other.
It can be through tongue, mind, fist or finance.
It can be verbal abuse, mental abuse, psychological emotional abuse, financial abuse and/or physical abuse from hitting to homicide.
Battering as the Primary Expression of Abusive Relationships While abuse is essentially about control; violence is a manifestation of domestic abuse.
When the controlling party believes that they are losing their grip, violence will escalate so as to re-engage control.
The escalation of violence is central to the underlying abuse dynamics.
This is why a victim is at a much higher risk when they announce their exit from an abusive relationship.
The perpetrator's perceived loss of control ignites reaching for a higher level of battering so as to re-establish control.
Controllers and Batterers in the Same Relationship Going back to our opening question: Who is the domestic abuser if she is getting hit and he is being controlled, or vice versa? The answer becomes obvious from this discussion that both parties here participate in the control and battering dynamics.
Accordingly, the approach for intervention to interrupt the dynamics needs to be two-sided in order to be effective.
Whereas, in the situation of unidirectional domestic abuse in which there is clearly one victim and one perpetrator, a single sided intervention serves the couple in breaking the cycle of abuse.