The funeral was over.
It was beautiful.
Everyone said so.
I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive.
The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible.
He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics.
During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him.
So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him.
All I felt is relief.
I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it.
I didn't know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time.
But, I can only write from my own background.
Astime goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
They say it takes about six weeks for us to even believe it happened.
In my book, Reflections from a Woman Alone, I included a poem I wrote at that time.
I wrote it for myself.
Not for a book because it is too revealing.
These were my actual thoughts.
Then,I decided,when I sold the book - what the heck!!Print it.
It's true.
The poem, coincidentally, is called "Six Week Checkup.
"Here it is.
Psychologists say when you lose a mate, it takes six weeks to feel it.
They are wrong.
When you are fully prepared, intelligent, stable, super-efficient, have advice from a lawyer, accountant and broker - you file the papers, mail the forms, transfer the car - 3 A.
M.
an acre of bed out of cigarettes, ice cream gone eating chocolate dogs are barking find a man getting older car is stalling roof is leaking bills are piling find a man have a party buy a condo diet center find a man a new business foreign travel plastic surgery find a man a new wardrobe join a health club list the sick wives find a man tally assets count your contacts match.
com find a man find a man find a man It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of.
Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars - I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me.
It was a police car.
He came to the window of my car.
This was the actual conversation - You just made an illegal left hand turn.
Didn't you see that sign? No, I'm sorry, officer, I didn't.
That sign is as big as a house, lady.
You women drivers! I'm sorry, I didn't see it.
Do you know your license plate expired four months ago? No.
And your city sticker expired two months ago? No, I didn't realize it.
What is it with you, lady?Do you know that I am going to have to give you three tickets?Why didn't you take care of those things? Men do these things with cars.
My husband died.
He always took care of those things.
Well, I'm sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court.
You're going to have to get it together, lady.
Okay.
I will.
Look,this is none of my business but I notice these things.
According to the sticker on your car you haven't changed the oil in 15,000 miles.
You should take care of that.
Thanks for telling me.
I will.
And start looking at signs.
Okay.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil - a cop doing his job with kindness.
It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting.
And he was right.
This lady had to get it together!When and how I didn't know.
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends.
I was included in activities just as I had when I was married.
Then, slowly, it started to change.
I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights.
That seemed to be just for couples.
I still had a relationship with the "girls" for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void - a big empty space.
I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened.
I realized for the first time that this is a couple's world.
Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture.
There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice?I did.
"When are you going to sell the house?It's too big for you.
" "Life goes on you know.
You're still attractive.
Get out there and find someone.
" "Watch out for the gold-diggers.
They are looking for someone like you.
" "Get involved in some activities.
You'll meet some new people.
" "You should join a widow's support group.
" "Have you thought about working at something different?It would be good for you to get out.
" "You should travel more.
Get out there.
" Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out.
I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job.
But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room.
I thought about that chair all day.
It was a safe place.
And I didn't want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man - almost immediately.
I admit I thought about it.
You read the poem.
But the thought of "dating" was alien to me.
Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date?I hadn't had a date in years.
And what do you do with your wedding ring?When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter.
To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs.
They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband.
They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I've talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY.
Their inheritance.
They have seen stories on TV about scams.
The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men.
You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid.
That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman.
And you will keep them informed of what you are doing.
And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It's an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality.
We all have this little secret.
Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children.
I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit.
You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have.
Your husband may have handled all these things.
I know mine did.
If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step.
Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts.
Not your friend who does real estate closings.
A will is not enough.
You will need a Revocable Living Trust.
A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house.
No.
You are the executor and you can do whatever you want.
Sell the house.
Buy a condo.
Trade your stocks.
I just read Suze Orman's book, Women and Money.
Get a copy of it and read it.
She explains everything about wills and trusts in a simple manner.
And why it is important to have a trust.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have.
You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you.
But do not give your money to your brother-in-law's cousin's son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life.
At least, not until you do some big research.
You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don't start being a day trader yourself to save commissions.
Probably, you don't know what you are doing.
Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner.
I was lucky.
My son Peter is a CFP with Merrill Lynch.
I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation.
It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience.
They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney.
Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done.
Even offer to show them all your documents.
They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind.
So much for someone who went through this process.
It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed.
I did get out a little.
I met some single women.
They had a life I didn't know about until now.
They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man.
We had dinner together.
Sometimes, just met for a drink after work.
I had company.
It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone.
I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true.
I started to "get it together.
"I even went on match.
com and starting dating.
I found out that there are a lot of lonely men out there just like us.
They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows.
It's a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone.
My book, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from widows everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country.
The book is now out of print because the publisher canceled their category of personal growth titles.
It is not a book about grief but rebirth and a lot of it is funny.
This is what they said about me and the book.
Her unapologetic memoir welcomes you into this world without a single whine; crumb of self-pity and with great wit.
She allows the reader to eavesdrop through letters and poems on her most intimate thoughts, fears, regrets, hilariousexperiences- even plastic surgery and a new love.
How nice is that? Here are some of the questions that seemed to come up over and over from people who contacted me.
WHEN WILL I START TO RECOVER? There seems to be a rule that it takes a year.
Forget that.
It will take as long as it takes.
Give yourself a break and don't push too soon.
See yourself as a person recovering from major surgery.
Be kind to this sweet person and let her heal.
HOW DO I FIND A SOCIAL LIFE? Face it.
It's a shocking disappointment, but you don't fit well in a couple's world.
You will, as difficult as it may seem, have to make an effort to make new single friends.
There are many women and menjust like you and they are also looking for companionship.
You will find them.
In the meantime, if you insist on keeping contact with your married friends, the words are "Entertain.
Entertain.
"They will feel obligated to invite you back.
But, do you really want that?Get a new life too.
CAN I BE HAPPY AS A SINGLE? Don't wait to live your life.
Go out there for the gold.
My friends were right.
It is about "getting out!"If you work, make the money.
Take that trip.
Buy the new condo.
It will make you more interesting if you finally meet the right "one" - and if you don't, you haven't wasted your life.
HOW DO I LET GO OF MY LOST LOVE? Put your wedding ring in the safe deposit box as soon as you can.
No relationship can come in if you still have the space blocked by the longing for a man who has died.
Try to be open to a person who will love you.
Take down those thousands of pictures of your husband.
(Okay, you can keep one or two!) I WILL LOST MY HUSBAND'S PENSION IF I REMARRY.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? That's a tough one if you are a religious person or if you are young enough to want more children.
If not, marriage to me is just a piece of paper.
A legal contract.
What seems more important is the commitment, the love and the wish to make this new person your life partner.
Another question would be - wouldn't your loving husband want you to be happy and have companionship? I have written this piece and shared my experiences with much love to all of my fellow "club" members! I know it does not seem possible, but you will get through this.
Take your time.