I had the wonderful opportunity to support an acquaintance during the most challenging moment in her life.
We met at a nice deli restaurant in her town.
It was a safe space at a corner table for her to open her heart to release her troubles.
She is about to embark on a very scary transition in her life filled with uncertainty and risk.
Upon finishing our food, an employee cleared our plates and we sat with our beverages as she continued to open her soul.
Tears, pain, embarrassment, fear.
As an emotional person myself, I shared her circumstance in the moment.
Shortly thereafter, we were interrupted by a deli employee who asked us to "leave because the place was at capacity and others needed to sit and eat.
Please come back in two weeks when we expand and have more space.
" I was speechless.
Instinctively I reminded myself that reacting in the heat of the moment doesn't necessarily enhance the situation.
For the greater good, we walked out without eye contact and without words, just disappointment in the interruption of our emotional discussion.
As petty as it sounds, looking back I wish I would've asked for a refund on my tea, since I was not allowed the opportunity to enjoy that which I purchased.
Then I reflected on the other perspective.
From the deli's perspective, I was preventing their other customers from immediately sitting to enjoy their lunch.
The deli is obviously successful and is at capacity, hence expanding to the adjacent retail space in two weeks.
The employee was trying to solve her problem by asking us to leave.
She was thinking of herself and her customers.
We were an inconvenience.
Our perspective - my acquaintance was pouring her soul out to me.
She was scared and needed support.
The deli employee wasn't aware of the seriousness of our life at that moment in time.
Given the specific circumstances of dining partner's situation, she and I can't "come back in two weeks" when they have more space - she doesn't have two weeks.
This is a great reminder that we all have our own experiences and expectations.
It's the expectations that can get us into trouble.
When we remove the expectations, then it's not wrong, it's just different.
We were disappointed in the disruption and the approach.
That's because we 'expected' to have the opportunity to complete our meal and beverage, as is the norm in society.
Who knows, we may have ordered dessert also.
But, the deli 'expected' us to move along so that others could enjoy their establishment.
With expectations come judgments.
Because of my immediate disappointment, I judged the individual and the establishment.
Did I do it on purpose? Absolutely not.
One of the definitions of judgment in the Oxford English Dictionary is "criticism, against what one really feels to be advisable.
" How does this definition impact our lives? When we feel judged, we naturally turn to the feeling of guilt.
I felt some guilt in the situation, even though I hadn't completed my "meal.
" I felt that I should've paid more attention to my immediate surroundings.
But, as a professional coach, my duty was to give 100% to the person I was supporting in that moment...
my acquaintance.
I tuned out everything else.
Now, if I share this story with the deli employee, she will feel additional guilt in recognizing that I am judging her and the establishment.
I'm sure she felt some of it when we quietly exited without words and without eye contact.
When we judge others, we are judging ourselves.
Sometimes that's a tough pill to swallow.
By writing this article, I'm following the natural human tendency to defend my position to relieve myself of the guilt.
I am not proud of it, but am taking the opportunity to share this perspective as a demonstration.
I'm not any better or worse than the other individuals involved in the situation - I'm just different.
I'm a human with a different perspective.
So was my acquaintance.