Some people think the litmus test of a good relationship is the lack of conflict.
That, of course, isn't always an accurate determiner of a successful relationship.
This very short article will offer you practical guidelines on how to decide if your marriage needs counseling and is salvageable.
Conflict All couples experience conflict, and conflict is a fact of life.
Nothing is free from conflict.
It's everywhere, and a part of every human endeavor.
What matters is how conflict is handled by the couple, and how well they get over their problems and upsets.
Many perfectly good relationships deal with a fairly large amount of conflict, but they are able to recover from a fight or argument quickly and completely.
In other words, they don't let the conflict linger and cause more problems down the road.
They don't end up fighting a passive-aggressive war over the next several days or weeks after they've had a conflict.
Bad Signs A bad sign in a relationship is a high degree of conflict or the inability to get over an incident.
If the partners keep heaping criticism and anger at each other, and can't seem to get past it, that's a sign of an unstable relationship.
Such marriages are often steeped in negativity, and the spouses frequently end up in divorce court.
If there is a significant amount of contempt, hostility and defensiveness, the same thing can be said.
It doesn't mean the marriage cannot succeed, but it does suggest it will be difficult for the couple to rebound.
Antagonistic relationships, marked by lots of negative and critical feelings, tend to be short-lived.
Pessimism about the current state of the relationship and its future can be devastating .
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and can keep the relationship covered in the tedium and grime of perpetual conflict, hopelessness and futility.
Anger and antagonism are potent psychological poisons and can push a relationship into the danger zone quickly, if not addressed and conquered.
Good Signs If there is a strong element of mutual fondness and optimism in the marriage, the marriage is likely to have the strength to weather the storms and prosper in the long run.
Mutual admiration and deep-seated respect bode very favorably for any marriage.
Add to that, an abiding and solid friendship, and you've got a solid foundation for a marriage or intimate relationship.
Friendship is the critical factor.
Really good, close friends make for a happy and prosperous couple.
The strength of their friendship allows them to overcome difficult-to-solve problems and issues.
No matter what problems a couple may face, there is almost always hope if the spouses feel a strong sense of honor and respect for each other.
Action Steps If you want to improve a seriously conflicted relationship, or re-balance a good relationship that has suddenly gone awry, try these steps: 1.
Find ways to increase mutual fondness, respect and affection.
For example, reflect on your spouse's positive qualities and attributes.
Stop thinking of your spouse in negativistic terms.
Adjust your thought process accordingly.
2.
Together talk about the good aspects of your marriage, reflect on happy memories of old and tell your partner why you are thankful for him/her.
3.
Think seriously about what characteristics drew you to your spouse in the first place, and consider at length what you would lose or miss the most if your relationship were to discontinue.
4.
Accept personal responsibility for your anger and frustration, and stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness.
It takes two people to create despair.
By fully accepting your own part in it, you make it much easier for your spouse to claim his or her contribution, and you take a lot of the stress off your spouse's shoulders.
5.
Last but not least, start making some good memories together.
Refuse to waste your time together in argument and debate.
Life is so much more enjoyable when we lighten up and have some fun.
Create some memories by doing some new and exciting things together -- memories you'll cherish in the future.
6.
Take time to express affection and to make your partner feel special! If you continue to have problems, you may want to consider counseling from an experienced, qualified mental health provider.
Some people wait to long to get help.
Remember, counseling works best when you get started early .
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and before it's too late! There is no magic formula for determining if you should stay with a relationship or end it, but it's a good idea to ask yourself what's in your heart, and to find ways to begin righting your relationship by building upon or improving a rock-solid friendship.
Never forget to honor and respect your mate, and to express fondness and affection -- on a daily basis.
This alone can sometimes make a big difference! Nothing can take the place of having your own little mutual admiration society within your marriage.
It will keep your relationship strong!