I sometimes hear from people who are looking for anything that might help save their marriage or change their spouse's mind about wanting a divorce.
Some people have been helped by their pastor and church and they wonder if encouraging their spouse to come along will help to change that same souse's mind about the marriage or about ending it.
I recently heard from a wife who said "when my husband and I started having problems in our marriage, a friend of mine suggested I join her at church, meet her pastor, and participate in marriage classes at the church.
I did that and found a lot of comfort and learned a lot at the marriage classes.
My husband did mot join me and feels awkward in church.
I would very much like for him to go with me because I feel like it would change his mind about saving our marriage.
Lately, he's been telling me that he thinks our marriage is a lost cause.
But he won't agree to join me at church.
He says he has no problem with my spirituality but his own spirituality is his own business and that I should not try to force my views on him.
How do I handle this? Because I feel like if I could just get him to listen to my church group and the teacher in the classes, he would see our marriage so differently but he refuses to cooperate.
" Religion can be a touchy issue for people.
I do not hesitate to encourage someone to participate in whatever gives them comfort and hope.
However, I also believe that you shouldn't force that same thing that helps you onto someone else unless they have asked you to or have shown themselves receptive to it.
There are ways to encourage them without being pushy though.
I will discuss this more in the following article While Church Or Religious Counseling Can Help Your Marriage, You Shouldn't Force This On A Reluctant Spouse Until They Show Interest.
Encouraging Them And Compromising Is A Different Story: I do believe the finding the right counselor or outlet can be immensely helpful.
Whether you are talking about martial counseling, religious counseling, or personal counseling, I also encourage people to pursue whatever they find helpful to them.
However, if your spouse doesn't share your enthusiasm (at least not yet) you can do more harm than good by trying to force the same onto them.
This can cause resentment or even them being resistant to your continuing on by yourself.
The truth is, you can't force or make your spouse to do something that they truly don't want to do.
And when to try to do exactly this, you sometimes find that you are doing more harm than good.
But nothing says you can't offer some gentle encouragement or compromise.
You could ask that he attend church with you one time and in return, you would do something with him that he has been wanting to do.
In this way, he feels that he is getting something in return and he is more likely to go willingly.
And, he might just enjoy himself and want to go again.
Understand That You Don't Always Have To Go To Church Or Counseling Together For Your Marriage To Benefit: I understood this wife wanting her husband to share in her church experience with her.
And, as I said, he may well willingly do this one day if she approaches him in the spirit of compromise.
But in the meantime, I felt that it was best that she could continue right on with what was working for her.
She was clearly getting a large benefit from her experience in the church and there was no reason for her to stop going simply because her husband did not want to join her at this time.
Believe it or not, working on yourself, your own issues, and your own contributing factors to your marital struggles can be immensely helpful even if your husband isn't joining you are this time.
There is actually a lot that you can do to save or change your marriage on your own in the beginning.
You can make changes to yourself, the way you process what is happening, and the way that you respond and behave toward your husband.
All of these things can bring about relief and positively affect the future of your marriage.
So while I think that going to church of finding religion can sometimes be very beneficial to your marriage, I don't think that you can (or should) try to force the same onto your spouse.
Once they see how much benefit you are getting from embracing your spirituality (and see that you aren't trying to strong arm them,) they may well come around.
But until then, your best bet is probably to try to make changes and improvements on your own.
In truth, your spouse should make their own decisions about saving your marriage because you have shown them that positive changes are possible and that your marriage is worth fighting for.
But it is more powerful if they make their own decisions without someone else trying to change their mind.
Think about it.
How much would do you embrace something when it isn't your idea? And even when you are strong armed or "strongly encouraged" to do something, you will sometimes feel resentful about the same and your heart isn't in it as much as it might have been if you have made your own decision from your own free will.
It's very important that your husband feels as if he has a say and a hand in the process.
Because when he does, he will be more enthusiastic about saving your marriage as the result.