Communicating effectively in marriage takes some work.
When you are only focused on yourself, you see things from only one perspective and you're always right.
When someone else comes into the picture, there are often differing points of view, different levels of emotion and there may be two correct answers or none at all! There are some negative patterns that are easy to slip into when communicating with your spouse.
As couples learn more about these patterns, they will become easier to spot and combat in marriage communication.
The first negative pattern is withdrawal and avoidance.
If you are the person with this tendency, you may physically leave the room when a hard conversation is approaching.
You will find any excuse to avoid talking about that subject.
You might not leave the room, but emotionally you are gone.
You might give half-hearted answers or give whatever answer your spouse needs to end the conversation The "exit strategy" for withdrawing is to make sure that both of you feel safe and that you can share anything with each other.
It's also important to pick a good time to have the conversation and to "keep short accounts" by talking often and soon after a conflict.
Another negative pattern is escalation.
In this scenario, you or your spouse or both of you continue to "up the ante", getting more and more hostile until you are borderline out of control.
Often things are said that are not true and were not really meant, but can hurt for a long time, sometimes permanently scaring the other person.
This can play out in loud words and even physical altercations, but can also be a little subtler through sarcasm and "one-up" remarks.
One way to combat the tendency to escalate is to call a "time out".
This is an opportunity for one or both of you to cool off and regain self-control before continuing with the conversation.
It is NOT an opportunity to avoid the hard topic all together, just a good chance to calm down.
The person who calls the time out is responsible to bring up the subject again or set a time in the near future when you will re-visit the conversation.