In a 24 hour period, I feel as though I have done calisthenics, been run over by a truck, something the cat dragged in, and put away wet-all those wonderful cliches that describe being run through the mill (oops there I go again for lack of better words).
The day started out with frantic calls from my daughter, who had recently been sent to a mental health facility for observation after threatening suicide and assaulting me.
She is throwing up, spazzing out, will hit those @$@&-ing people, and wants to come home NOW! I have tried to have her transferred to a treatment facility for over 6 months and have been met with nothing but resistance and restrictions.
I am afraid to bring her home, for myself and for her but none of that matters since this particular place is technically just a holding tank and as long as she does not voice any suicidal thoughts, she is free to go.
But since she is 17, I have to sign her out and it is with me she will be leaving.
Imagine that car ride since she feels all of her problems begin and end with me.
To give you a visual, there have been too many car rides where she goes on the attack and I have no escape and have been forced to pull over on any road and just beg her to get out--sometimes so fast I do not have time to signal or be more cautious.
I have to go to visit my daughter because we are due in court the next morning and she needs decent clothes.
I go with a lifted spirit hoping that if I keep up a positive posture it may influence her.
It only takes about 15 minutes of a conversation face to face, with her, to deflate that notion.
She is already manipulating the staff because she is not happy about having to move for our chat, because there has to be staff present at all times.
She then tells me she wrote a letter on how she feels and wants me to read it.
It is another message that places all the responsibility squarely on anyone else but herself.
The last one she wrote indicated that all of her troubles were my fault and she could be happy if I were not around.
So she has run away 10 times now and the only difference is she is worse each time she returns.
She was not only still unhappy but getting more out of control.
Thought for another time.
After making her feelings known in the vulgar way that has become her trademark, we settle for a talk.
I try, I really try, to be sympathetic, to listen to her concerns and to be objective.
But her rants fly in the face of reality and it feels like I am feeding that distortion if I agree wholeheartedly.
I attempt to direct the conversation to what she wants to do when she leaves this place and if there is anything constructive that can be done to help her.
This sparks another round of finger-pointing and disagreement as to why she ended up there in the first place.
I have been there 15 minute and the language and attitude are just too much.
I get up to leave and she will not let go of my purse saying she will stop, but swearing and getting angrier as she makes this claim.
Unfortunately I did not get far because a staff member is required to unlock the door.
My daughter calms down considerably so we try to converse once again.
She says what can she do for herself and I explain what we have discussed so many times.
In New York state, it is not possible to commit a teen, no matter the diagnosis.
They have to volunteer to either go for a 10-30 day evaluation or any other long-term stay.
Does this even make sense? How can anyone, let alone a teen make such a decision if their thought process is skewed by mental illness and they are the last to accept they have it??? What a damned Catch-22.
I go through the whole process again, how this is a way to get a handle on what is going on inside of her head and get the right treatment to have a more normal life.
She has heard this all before but acts so receptive, I think maybe she will finally take that step towards her own mental well-being.
She cries (this comes too easily and too often now that I no longer trust the validity of these tears).
I explain that all of us need help and those terrible feelings in her head and her inability to ever feel happiness or satisfaction are part of the BPD which she acknowledges exists but very seldom.
But today, she is receptive.
She asks what it would entail and I say the first step is the evaluation recommended by the Family Court (no in fact mandated) 3 months ago.
Once that is completed, most likely she will need in-house treatment and that may mean being away for a year or so.
She looks panicked but this is no surprise because it has been told to her several times, by a myriad of sources, including a noted Child Psychiatrist who consulted with her last year.
She went away for behavior, from age 14 to 15 and I explain that this would be much more, that all those thoughts and fears she has will be addressed if she just lets the qualified staff help her as they are trained to do.
The talk lasts about an hour and she is in agreement that she needs help desperately and now.
She hugs and kisses me goodbye, claiming her love.
I am not fooled, at least not totally.
I harbor a spark of hope that something sunk in and she understands that her behaviors have been escalating to the point that she will land in a jail cell next, if something does not change.
18 hours later I meet her at court and I see, the other daughter(the one I fear)has made an appearance and any thought of seeking help or guidance has vanished.
I must admit that the staff of this particular facility were of no help, they were very unprofessional and discussed staff problems and patients in front of my daughter who takes all that information in, processes it and comes to the conclusion that no one has authority or any rights where she is concerned.
I sat next to her, per her directive and as soon as I looked into her eyes, I knew I was looking at evil.
She's already gone back to the belief that no one tells her what to do, that she is the victim in all of this and she does not need any help because she does NOT have a mental illness diagnosis.
She said, 'I am a human being and I do not have to take orders from anyone or do what I do not want to.
" I understood in one moment that I was headed into that courtroom with an adversary.
The judge was limited in what he could address since this was a matter of retaining the court order of protection against her and so that is all that was done.
Her lawyer told how she called Child Protective services on me since I refused to pick my daughter up from that place.
They came to investigate me (now it is 5 times) and I explained my fears and that I was in a class at the times they wanted me to get her.
The law states I am responsible to get her and if I fail, I can be charged with neglect.
No mention of the physical assault on me, not one word.
Any matters regarding the assault and failing to comply what the protective order must be dealt with in Criminal Court in 2 days.
So, guess what happens next? Yes I am sure you have guessed, I have to bring her home.
The judge admonished her once again saying she has a home, must comply with court order and any reasonable directives by me such as curfews and attending school.
She had been told this 2 months ago and totally disregarded it because she does not believe she has to follow anyone's rules and as of yet, there has been nothing to disprove her beliefs since there has been no accountability.
So, the girl I spoke to yesterday is long gone.
She only existed as a means to get what she wanted, which was release.
Even her protests of just wanting to be home with me were all mendacity.
She comes here for meals, to gather more possessions and use it as a flop house, not the home I made for us.
She had one goal and one goal only.
To get out and go stay with the boyfriend she just left last week because one of the symptoms of BPD is attachments to the opposite sex and engaging in risky behaviors (and she changes those boyfriends every 304 weeks, without fail).
This is the same guy she moved away from because he "hit her" (I must admit I believe it was just the opposite) and they have been doing nothing but drugs together.
Her reasoning to me, for leaving and staying away yet again is that she needed to vent about how awful the last few days have been for her and he provided not only that but cigarettes and whatever else she believes she needs over health.
She even went so far as to make sure none of her calls from here could be traced so if I wanted to find her, I would have a difficult time.
Now here is my truth.
I am not looking for her.
I am not going to listen to any more lies, any more claims of wanting to "start her life all over again', no more this time it is different, no more pleads for rights she has never earned and no more respect for someone who has no concept as to what respect truly is.
No more.
My consolation in all of this, is having her away from the house keeps me safe--safe from the verbal abuse ad nausea (her vice principal coined that phrase when she went after him and another teacher leading to her being asked not to return to that school).
I do not have to listen to anymore of her lies, her blaming everyone else for her predicament or her incessant need to tell me every little detail about the dangerous choices she is making.
I am safe, until the 200 phone calls begin because she never, ever leaves me free from all of this.
RING! The alarm clock just went off again and I am starting a new day, with the same old set of rules.
I have all the responsibility for her and no rights to protect or get her the help she needs and so another day begins and soon the phone will ring and all the crap will start again.
Groundhog day never ends here.