Hooray! Stonewashed jeans are back. If you are rich and lazy you can get your vintage stonewashed jeans from now bankrupt hair-metal all-stars. Or if you are either poor and or resourceful, you can make your own.

Basic blue jeans are out. They're just cotton thread dyed blue and woven together by sad lonely third world factory workers. Retro previously used stone-washed jeans are epic. Or are they legendary? Either way you need them. But how many pairs of jeans did Axel Rose really have? Probably thousands. If you can't get your jeans from Axel, you'll have to nut up and make your own.

Here is the easiest way to make stone-washed jeans: 1. fill a large industrial washer with jeans stones; 2. turn the dryer on; 3. wait for it; and 4. presto 30 minutes later turn off your dryer and retrieve your jeans. What? I left out some steps? Maybe I should elaborate. Because I like stonewashed jeans so much, below is the scoop on how stone-washed jeans are made.

Getting some basic jeans. Jeans, for those that don't know, are trousers or pants made of denim. As a point of clarification, Jeans are also called "dungarees" by people who reek of Gold's Medicated Powder and worship Andy Rooney. Denim is rugged cotton twill textile. This textile is created by looms when the weft passes under two or more warp threads. This weaving produces diagonal ribbing on the reverse of the fabric. The ribbing sets denim apart from cotton duck. Most jeans are blue because denim is mostly blue. Stone-washed jeans can be any color: taupe or black or hunter green or white or tan or beige.

Jeans are as American as barbeque brisket and pregnant 16-year olds with their own reality TV shows. But the cheapest jeans are made in India and Taiwan so save some coin and buy your basic jeans in bulk from the poverty-stricken Asian country of your choice. Use the internet to find more importing mass quantities of jeans. Once you get your jeans, you stone wash'em. The difficult thing is finding and purchasing a big cylindrical drum dryer in which jeans and stones make stone-washed jeans. An industrial stone-washing dryer will set you back about $9,080 dollars. Can't put a price on looking good. Now that you have a large industrial dryer to put the jeans and stones into, you then must get the stones. You can use pretty much any volcanic or igneous rock suit fries your bacon. I heard all Motely Crue's stone-washed jeans were washed in pumice. I use a mixture of rubies and granite.

Once you turn on the dryer with jeans and stones inside, the cylinder inside the dryer spins violently, the tumbling stones ride up the paddles inside the drum and crash down onto the denim with great force. The denim becomes distressed. Like parents often do about their teenagers.

When the dryer has spun its final turn, prepare to reach new levels of Radical! You have crafted one-of-a kind Stonewashed jeans. Now go forth and purchase that hypercolor t-