Must you always be the one who "bends over backwards"? Do you have to continue to dance the "Locked In" step or is it time to develop some new "Basic Movements"? This month, I am going to invite you to choreograph the "Co-Dependence Dance" in your life.In the October tip, I asked you to consider if you are "Giving more and enjoying it less" in order to explore if you are a nurturer or an enabler? The blog reflection question asked you to write down the names of the people you "help out". Once you have your list, circle the primary person that you "assist" and do the exercise below.
1. Did the other person ask for help or support?
2. Is there an end point to your help or intervention?
3. Do/did you feel good ("okay") about your participation?
4. Did he/she do 50% or more of their own work?
5. Did he/she thank you for your help or support?
Let's break down the questions you just answered to help you discover if your assistance is actually helpful or harmful.
1. Did the other person ask for help or support? Enablers tend to think they know what is best for the other person. What if you don't? Maybe the person just wants someone to listen. Instead of reacting and offering solutions, ask: "What do you need?" "What do you think would be most helpful?" "How can I support you?"
2. Is there an end point to your help? We all have challenging life situations, but they usually do have an end point. Some people seem to create one crisis after another due to poor choices. When we continuously bail a person out, it reinforces their poor decision making. Our loved ones need to learn to take responsibly for their own lives. It would be much better to support them in making wiser choices by stepping back and asking: "What are you going to do about it?" or "What solutions have you come up with?" Then let them proceed without your assistance.
3.Do you feel frustrated or taken for granted when you are "helping"? This is a signal that you have gone too far in your efforts to help. See if you can step back a little bit and maybe be a little "less helpful". Again ask yourself: Why am I really doing this? Do I want to? What is it costing me? Am I afraid that my loved one will be angry at me if I stop? Do I feel selfish if I don't do this little thing? Is it really necessary or are there some other alternatives?
4.Does he/she do 50% or more of the work? If someone isn't willing to do at least 50% of the work in their life, why should you do it?" When you enable, you usually end up doing the majority, if not all, of the work. If you are working harder than the person that you are trying to help, you are over-functioning. Look at their face when you are giving them advice. Are they spacing out? Are you repeating your words and cheerleading harder. Do you dispense wonderful advice that isn't followed? If so, then stop talking.
5. Did he/she thank me for my help or support? If the answer is "no" to this question, you need to ask yourself why they didn't. Maybe the person didn't see your effort as helpful? This can happen when you assume that you know what the other person needs. Sometimes people interpret unsolicited advice as a "vote of no confidence".Another reason you might not be appreciated is because you have rescued that person so many times that they take you for granted.
You might be comfortable in your role as an enabler and wondering why you should stop being so "helpful". It is because enabling is not healthy for you, but more importantly it is not good for your loved one. In order to discontinue the dance of enabling, you might wish to try some of the following suggestions:
Become conscious of your intentions when you are tempted to jump in and be a caretaker. Ask yourself why are you jumping in? Is it a habit? Do I feel selfish? Do I feel guilty if I do not help? Why else?
Set clear boundaries beforehand about the amount of time or effort that you are willing to spend on the situation. I once had a friend who could suck me into listening to her drama for hours, even an entire day; she was that good. The way I finally set limits was that I would make sure I had another commitment scheduled a few hours after we were to meet which would force me to end the time we were together.
Stop offering assistance immediately. It is better to promise nothing at the moment, and later if you have the time and energy, do something helpful. Because I tend to jump in immediately and offer assistance, I am fostering the habit of saying, "let me think about it and get back to you". When I get distance, I can be more realistic about whether I have the where with all to help or if it is even appropriate. In a crisis laden moment, you might promise things that you later regret. If that is the case, it is perfectly fine to go back to the person and renege. I will say, "In thinking about it, I realize that I let my ‘heart' speak and it is not realistic for me to do help at this time."
Don't give advice unless it is asked. When a person talks about a problem you often get confused and think that they are asking for advice when in reality, they are venting. I find it helpful to ask them, "Are you asking for my opinion?" Generally, the answer is "no". If the answer is "yes", try to give them a few options and then be quiet. Take a deep breath and listen. You really do not have to fix it!!! If they disregard your options ask: "What is it you think you need to do?" Or what would be most helpful to do now?" If they reply, "I don't know!" Remind them of a previous success they have had in their life and that they are capable and will come up with the right solution for them.
Are you tired of dancing backwards? Have your toes been stepped on enough? Well do a "reverse turn"! The first step will be awareness that you habitually dance the "locked in" step, then honesty about your motivation for continuing to only do "the box step" and finally courage to end the "Dos-à-dos", create new dance steps and choreograph a new dance routine in your life.