I heard a counselor say once that alcoholism is a disease of the emotions.
As a recovered alcoholic, I believe he was right on.
Growing up, I don't believe I ever really learned how to deal with my emotions.
It wasn't that I was suppressed in some way or locked in a closet as a child.
Quite to the contrary, I had a great childhood.
An older sibling and two loving parents, I grew up on a small farm full of fun and there was always something exciting to do.
Growing up I always dreamed of doing great things.
The first time I got drunk I loved it.
I must have been about fourteen and a friend and I got some malt liquor and went out to the local golf course and got pretty drunk.
I loved the way it made me feel.
From that point on, my life would never be the same.
High school was pretty normal, I suppose we partied more than most young adults but it seemed to be the thing to do in the small town I was from.
Then came college and I started partying pretty much every night.
I didn't have any real long-term emotional relationships, I guess I didn't realize it at the time, but I was still pretty emotionally immature.
When things got too uncomfortable or someone got to close, I would usually find a reason to end it.
So for years I really didn't know how to deal with real emotions.
If I was angry, I drank and got joyful, if I was sad, I drank and become the life of the party.
At some point later in life I began to drink every single day and slowly alienated myself from any close relationships.
I think a part of me knew that I had a drinking problem but really thought I could stop if I really wanted to.
Looking back now, I realize I never really learned how to have a loving relationship with myself.
So as I continued to drink, I starting experiencing severe depression and very self-deprecating thoughts.