A fairly young couple in an emotional state of turmoil came to see me. . The husband called me and said he was recommended by a previous client whose marriage I saved from an incredibly desperate situation. He was sure I could help him because of what he knew about his friend's situation, and wanted to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible. He said he wasn't sure if his wife would come but he wanted to see me either way. I told him I didn't meet with individuals who are having difficulty with their marriage, except in the most extreme situations, because I didn't want either partner to mistrust the process (I believe in transparency and the integrity it brings about). He was uncomfortable but said he would talk to his wife and get back to me.

In 15 minutes he called and begged me to make an appointment that very day, which I just couldn't do. When they did come in later that week (I had to shuffle my appointments like crazy) I had a very weird feeling about it. I don't ask people too many questions when we meet (problems are natural when folks don't know how to enjoy a marriage) but I always ask how many children they have and how old they are. This particular couple had two little ones, less than four years old.

I didn't get very far in telling them I'm not a western psychologist and explaining the process I use when the wife suddenly broke out into tears. She blurted out in between her sobs, "I don't trust him and I don't know if I ever will be able to ever again."

Although I usually stop people from going on about what took place I decided to let her. Her story unraveled, or should I say their story unraveled. Mr. Husband was cheating on his wife with her best friend. When she caught him he denied everything at first, but later confessed to what he had done and told her it was a one-time fling that would never happen again. Unfortunately it turned out to be far from a one-time fling. It turned out he was also having an affair with another friend of theirs from the gym. He admitted to everything and was crying as he was telling her how he would never do it again, that it was all way in the past. When I asked how long ago it happened they told me it was two weeks ago. I was floored; way in the past?! But I didn't let on. As far as I was concerned they had two little babies who needed their parents. Still I wasn't about to condone what he had done, or make it seem like it was no big deal. It was a huge deal to her!

I'm not a therapist. In terms of marriage I think of myself as a reverse engineer. I understand how marriages work; I understand the dynamics. I know what breaks them apart and I know what holds them together. I know what makes people happy in a marriage and I know what makes people miserable. I also know that we people are not perfect. As outrageous as this man's behavior seemed to be I have seen worse and I have seen couples get past it.

So there are questions you may wish to ask and questions you should ask.

I don't mean to assume anything but maybe most people would be asking questions like… "Is it possible for them to get past the betrayal?" There are sub questions too… "Can he ever be trusted? Will he do it again? Will she forgive him? Will she hold it over him? Will they need therapy?" ...and so on.

Those might be good questions, but I asked some different ones. The first question I asked I posed to myself. I asked myself, "What was the value of this marriage?" In other words, is there a really good reason to save the marriage? The answer to that question was a resounding yes. This was a young couple who had two little children who needed both parents in their lives ahead. Despite the general cavalier attitude many professionals have these days about how children will do after a divorce, I personally think children are destroyed by broken homes. I have discussed this at greater length in other articles so I won't repeat myself (if you are interested in hearing my thoughts on this topic you can read more here: (blog)).

The other question I asked myself, and I know the answer very well, is how long could I expect the marriage to last if it is not a happy one? No matter how important a marriage, the reality is people won't stay together very long if they are suffering.

I turned my attention to the couple.

I asked the young mother if she loved her husband. I think she was a little shocked to hear this question after all of this very upsetting information came to light, but I didn't care. Despite her quizzical look I asked the question a second time, and I did so without injecting any irony into my voice. It was a straightforward question; do you love your husband? She said yes. I then asked him if he loved his wife. As the apparent guilty party he went on a bit about how much he loved her and how sorry he was, etc. But I put up my hand in a gesture for him to stop and asked him again; do you love your wife? He said yes.

In order to acknowledge her and inject a bit of humor I knew they would both appreciate I said, "You have a hell of a way of showing it." I smiled a bit. My smile was way of communicating to them everything was going to be OK.

I asked them if they could imagine getting into an airplane without any formal instruction, and take off relying only on anecdotal tidbits from friendly relatives and friends. I asked them if they thought they would make huge mistakes or little mistakes. They both agreed they would make all kinds of mistakes and probably crash if they even got the plane off the ground to begin with. I explained to them a marriage can test us and will especially test us in areas of our own personal and individual weaknesses.

"It's a good idea," I said, "to recognize all people have various strengths and weaknesses that we don't see, or even begin to imagine until that person is placed in a situation that will test them." I said, "When we enter into a marriage it isn't our job to criticize our partner for their weaknesses. It is our job to support them through their difficult times."

I asked Mrs. Wife if she felt her husband was proud of his disloyalty. I asked her if when they were standing on the altar getting married she thought he was just waiting for his moment to cheat on her, or if he was a victim of his own weakness which was exasperated by the dynamics of dysfunctional behaviors. Naturally she said she didn't know because of this current state of confusion. I assured her it wasn't likely. I asked Mr. Husband if she was a perfect wife and then I said please don't answer that question. I turned to Mrs. Wife and asked if she was a perfect wife. Before she could answer I told her we already knew the answer to that question, and not only is it not her fault that he cheated on her but it wasn't his place to point out her flaws as a wife either. I told them both it was a great idea to try to be perfect. Making every effort to be the perfect spouse changes the dynamics of a marriage completely.

I told them I was sure their marriage would not only be fine, but they would probably have the most incredible marriage of any of their friends. It would be far beyond anything they ever expected, but they needed a starting point. I asked them if they were ready for that. I asked Mrs. Wife if she could have a perfect marriage would she be willing to let go of the past as best as she could. The energy shifted and I was able to help them begin their new life. I didn't tell them what to do or offer them therapy. I simply explained what they needed to know in order to have a happy marriage and a wonderful family. I taught them the differences between a man and woman, how minds work, what a marriage is by definition, and how they could have the most amazing marriage by learning what they needed to know. They learned the differences between marital communication and other communication. We spent three 2-hour sessions together; it was all they needed.

I don't think it's up to me to explain away people's behaviors or ask people to forgive each other. As far as I'm concerned the only one who needs to ask for forgiveness is the one who actually feels the pain they have caused for someone else. Until that request for forgiveness comes from an understanding of the pain it has caused, a request for forgiveness seems insincere and manipulative. But I think we should ask forgiveness from God along with guidance that teaches us the right way to behave. I also do not believe in guilt and shame. If we carried all the burdens of our past bad actions we would collapse under the weight. We're here to learn, grow and support each other in the process.

Trust in a relationship is not as important as love in a relationship. The friends who I just described began their life again with virtually no trust. But their love made all of the difference. They were able to succeed in building a relationship because they chose to love each other despite each other's flaws and failures. Love is not only the foundation of relationships, it is the foundation for everything. When they and other couples learned that expressions of love are what we actually do and say, they were able to go beyond selfishness and give love without the usual filters and walls.

Please don't expect perfection from your spouse, but do expect yourself to love and support your spouse, and by all means tell them, "I love you."