I recently had the pleasure of meeting Don Miguel Ruiz and was touched by the potency, yet simplicity, of his message. With further reflection on his "The Four Agreements," I see significant application to breaking the cycle of verbal abuse in marriage through the lessons of domestic abuse therapy.

The First Agreement and Domestic Abuse Treatment

"The Four Agreements" detail Don Miguel Ruiz's code for life. Let's take a look at the First Agreement and its relationship to domestic abuse treatment and breaking the cycle of spousal abuse, specifically verbal abuse in marriage.

The First Agreement is: Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

When you are impeccable with your word, you are benevolent toward yourself and toward others. There's no blame, no judgment and no violence in your message. It (your word) does not assault you, nor does it assault those for whom your message is intended. This is essentially because of the fact that the language is the expression of truth and love.

It honors you and it honors the recipient of your message. It is pure, factual and clear. And the best part of this communication is that it leaves you feeling good. In domestic abuse counseling we help couples find words, which do just that.

Nonviolent Communication and Domestic Abuse Counseling

When couples enter into domestic abuse counseling, they bring in their resentments and pain stemming from what he/she said and did. The verbal abuse is readily identified and the emotional psychological components are examined as well.

Through the process of therapy, verbal abusers and domestic abuse survivors learn to be impeccable with their word. They learn the power of expression and cultivate skills to keep their interaction nonjudgmental and nonviolent toward self and other.

For example, the identified verbal abuser learns how to create language that expresses his/her own experience. And this replaces the words used as a sword to slaughter and ultimately control their partner.

The identified spousal abuse survivor learns to reach for language that honors oneself. This replaces words that assault one's integrity to stay in favor or merely out of habit from life in an abusive relationship.

The Power of Language and the Importance of Truth

A central theme to successful outcome in domestic abuse therapy is the effortless skill of personal accountability in interaction. It's about speaking from your own experience rather than through your projection. Inherent in this kind of interaction dynamic is attention to one's truth and benevolence toward other.

If you struggle with verbal abuse in marriage, as a recipient or as the deliverer, consider domestic abuse counseling as a means to become impeccable with your word. The natural outcome breaks the cycle of verbal abuse in marriage.