Forget dull! That's the least of your worries. Try irritable, stressed-out, depressed and anxious. All work and no play makes for some serious health and relationship troubles.
Take for example Sandra (not her real name), a 36-year-old attorney for a high-profile law firm in Chicago. She typically works 65 hours a week, which includes several hours nearly every weekend. Sandra loves her job. It's intellectually challenging, well paying and she likes most of her coworkers.
But the long hours have come at a cost. Her three-year marriage has become increasingly strained and she feels depressed much of the time.
Sandra's troubles are typical of many of the clients I see in my private psychotherapy practice: women (and men), mostly in their 20s and 30s, who have great difficulty striking a balance between meeting the demands of their professional lives and finding fulfillment in their personal lives.
And it's not just professional women who feel a lack of work-life balance. Many stay-at-home mothers feel the same sort of imbalance, the only difference being that their "office" is their home.
Regardless of the situation, overworked women often have similar symptoms: depression, anxiety, irritability and conflict or stress in their family or romantic relationships. The effects can be damaging and far-reaching: divorce, custody battles, substance abuse and health-related problems.
Often, work-life imbalance masquerades as depression, anxiety or marital discord. That's why I like to ask my clients how many hours a week they work and how many hours a week they spend doing social or fun activities. The discrepancy sometimes startles them, as it did with Sandra.
Two major warning signs involve a recent upsurge in irritability with significant others and a decrease in energy level at home. Sleep and appetite are often affected as well; weight gain is common, as is interrupted sleep.
For many women, a work-life imbalance can evolve gradually, and so the problem often isn't identified until it has reached near-crisis proportions.
How do you know if your work responsibilities start infringing on your well-being? Common warning signs of work-life imbalance include:
- Bringing work home, working until very late at night and/or working on weekends
- Consistently canceling social plans due to work obligations or deadlines
- Depressed mood and/or low energy
- Poor sleep (including work-related dreams)
- Short fuse with significant other and/or children
- Change in appetite and weight
It may start innocently enough. You take on a new client or project at work. Once your boss sees that you've smoothly handled that responsibility, he or she may ask for your assistance in future projects. Or if you're a stay-at-home mother, it may begin with volunteering for an event at your child's school, after which the staff may ask you to volunteer your time for other activities.
Before you realize it, you are routinely neglecting family and friends, and you are doing equally well at ignoring your own needs, like exercising, sleeping and connecting socially. In short, your work has taken over your life.
So, what to do to get it back? Fortunately, there are several simple techniques you can use.
1. Schedule social and personal time.
While it may seem like scheduling one more thing is contradictory to cutting back — particularly scheduling social or down time — carving out dedicated time may be the only way you actually do it. Just as you would a doctor's appointment, put social activities and personal time into your calendar; in pen, not pencil.
Rebecca Rand, a licensed clinical social worker in New York, is a big proponent of this method. For example, she says, if your goal is to prepare healthy lunches for the week, take out your Palm Pilot, Treo or calendar and set aside one hour Sunday night to cook. Or if you want to reincorporate exercise into your life, make an appointment with yourself to go to the gym to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes every Tuesday at 7pm by punching that into your organizer.
The point is to move from a general or vague idea to a specific, time-limited behavior.
"There's a greater likelihood it will happen if you schedule it. It's important to set a specific time for it," says Rand.
To further stick to your plan, Rand states that it's important to tell others about these appointments, like a therapist, spouse or friend. "If you tell it to someone else, it makes it all the more concrete."
2. Begin setting limits and boundaries with others.
Just because you're smart and ambitious, you don't have to volunteer for every new project or account at work. Remember, it's quality, not quantity that you're after. So, if you're stretching yourself too thin, the quality of your work will likely suffer.
That's why it's important to give yourself permission to turn down new assignments.
To do this, practice assertive ways to say no. Like, "I appreciate you thinking of me, but with all of the other work I've got I don't think I have the time to devote to a project like that." Or, "Thank you for the offer, but I already have so much on my plate. When things slow down a little, I may be able to take on something new."
The point is to be assertive with your colleagues and bosses, which means being polite and respectful but firm in your denial. You may ruffle a few feathers but consider the alternative: consistently working evenings and weekends.
Being assertive also means paying close attention to your needs and taking them seriously. For example, remind yourself of the importance of your Wednesday night yoga class or monthly book club meeting. Do you really want to miss out on these things?
Limit-setting is not only an effective technique for dealing with others. Anton Trinidad, a psychiatrist in Washington, DC, likes the idea of setting limits for yourself. An example is a "No work after 6pm" rule.
"So many women I see are excellent at organizing themselves at the office, but they have trouble organizing the rest of their lives," he says.
Therefore, try applying some of the same rules that work so well at the office — time management, delegating responsibilities — to your personal life.
3. Ask for help.
At times, we all need some help from others. Contrary to what many people believe, asking others for help is not a sign of weakness but rather a mature and responsible approach to completing a task.
Aurelia Williams, a life coach in Washington, DC, says that too many women feel the burden of doing everything for everyone.
"A lot of women wind up doing a lot of things they don't really want to do. They don't ask others for help. Women take on the role of doing," she says. "A lot of mothers look at asking for help as a sign of weakness. You do all of these things, and your family begins to look at you as a superhero. People eventually treat us as we portray ourselves."
A 30-something woman with three children of her own, Williams has become very good at asking others — her spouse, older children and friends — for help. That, in turn, allows Williams to occasionally take time out for herself to get her nails done or enjoy a girls' night out.
"Not only are you cheating yourself but you're also cheating the rest of your family if you don't take time out for yourself," she says. "They notice the difference in my mood when I've done something nice for myself."
4. Plan activities outside of the work day.
Your lunch break is an opportunity to enjoy some good food, socialize and, perhaps most importantly, temporarily change your environment. Take advantage by meeting a friend at a new restaurant or going for a walk.
Whatever you do, don't eat at your desk. This is not a healthy practice, physically or mentally. Go outside and get some fresh air. The work will be there when you return, and you will likely come back refreshed and recharged.
Also, scheduling a healthy activity after work can be profoundly therapeutic, says Dr. Trinidad.
"It's good to have an activity like yoga before heading home. It acts as a kind of stress reliever, so you don't come home and yell at your kids," he says.
Plan vacations, even three-day weekends, way ahead of time. For example, start thinking in April how you want to spend your Labor Day weekend. It's important to schedule trips so that you have fun things to look forward to. Otherwise, your time at work can seem endless.
5. Remind yourself of your values and priorities.
Finally, you may need to reassess your values and remind yourself of the things that are most important in your life.
You probably won't remember the Tuesday night you worked until 9, but you will fondly recall the weekend at the beach with friends or the cozy dinner at home with your partner. The extra money made by all the long hours at work is nice, but if you don't have the time or energy to enjoy it, it won't mean much.