Very often, I receive emails in which the wife tells me how much her husband has changed.
And, although each email is unique and involves different couples and different husbands, many of the wives say similar things.
I often hear things like: "When we first got married, he was charming and funny and sweet.
He was laid back and rarely got angry or uptight.
But now, he's constantly stressed out, critical, and angry.
I don't like who has become and I have a hard time relating to him or being affectionate with him.
" Another example is something like: "It used to be that my husband couldn't do enough for me and couldn't keep his hands off of me.
But now, he just acts like I'm just another acquaintance.
We talk to each other every day, but he never really listens to me anymore.
He's become quite accomplished at the fine art of tuning me out.
It's almost as though he looks right through me.
He doesn't make time for me anymore and it's almost as if we coexist just for the sake of our children.
Although these themes are quite common, this doesn't mean that they aren't problematic.
Ignoring this issue or doing nothing will often just lead to more distance and resentment.
The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to repair your marriage.
I made the huge mistake of telling myself that my husband and I had just been married for a while and had become "comfortable" and this almost cost me my marriage.
Admittedly, I wasn't all that thrilled my husband most of the time, but when I was faced with the prospect of actually losing him, it gave me an entirely different perspective altogether.
So, in the following article, I'll offer some advice and tips to help you effectively navigate the waters when your husband has changed so much that you hardly recognize him anymore and you don't like this new person who he has become.
Can You Pinpoint What Brought About The Changes In Your Husband? Do You Have Any Control Over What Might Be Contributing To The Negative Changes?: I don't at all doubt that you are likely seeing very profound and worrisome changes in your husband.
You're reaction to his behaviors are completely understandable.
But, sometimes it can help to ask yourself what might contributing to the changes that you see in him.
Because, to be fair, I often hear from the husbands in this situation and I will often hear things like: "Doesn't she understand that I'm doing the best I can? But I'm exhausted.
I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I know that I'm considered the provider of our home.
I know that I'm not as much fun to be around as I used to be.
But, when we were dating, I just didn't have the pressures and the responsibilities that I have now.
I too wish I could be as happy go lucky as I was then.
But, I'm not that young kid anymore because my life is different.
Still, the core of who I am hasn't changed.
But, my circumstances sure have.
" Sometimes, if you can get to the bottom of what might be contributing to the changes in your husband, then you can attempt to alleviate some of the biggest stressors.
You're not always going to be able to alleviate the stress that your husband experiences at work.
But, you can try to be his safe place to fall.
You can also take the initiative and try to incorporate some fun back into your life.
Nothing says that you can't begin to provide yourself with more of what you need.
I often hear wives say things like: "I just miss the way that we used to laugh.
" I will sometimes kid around, try to lighten the mood and say things like: "well when is the last time you told a joke?" And, I'm only half kidding.
So often, we miss things about our marriage and we feel very disappointed, but we almost fall short at providing more of these things for ourselves.
We feel resentful that we have to take the initiative and then we feel more resentful when we aren't getting our needs met.
This is a very destructive cycle that you will often need to make a very conscious effort to stop.
Is It Only Your Husband Who Has Changed?: Just for a second, I'm going to get back to the husbands that I often hear from.
They will often tell me that they have also noticed changes in their wives.
I often hear things like: "Maybe I'm not as laid back and jovial as I used to be, but my wife was never this critical of me before either.
It's as if she's always watching my behavior with a magnifying glass and is ready to pounce the second she thinks 'I've changed.
' Well, she's changed too.
Our lives have changed.
Our situations have changed.
But my love for her has not changed.
I wish she would see that.
" When You Want To See Positive Instead Of Negative Changes In Your Husband, Use Positive Reinforcement: I know it just seems natural to bring your husband's attention to the fact that you don't like the changes you see in him.
But, this will usually only get you a negative response.
He will usually just get defensive.
You will often get better results if you take the initiative and give him more of the behaviors that you are looking for.
When you praise him (even when his new critical nature annoys you) a more positive response might surprise you.
Yes, you had to take the initiative but the response that you get will often be a marked improvement.
You can take this a step further and praise him when you start to see him being his old self again.
There's nothing wrong with saying "there's the guy I know and love.
I missed him.
" And then, it helps to give both verbal and physical encouragement.
This is usually much more effective than drawing his attention to the fact that your circumstances and your husband have changed so much that you don't like either.
Because, at least in my opinion, who [people are deep down do not change that much.
But stressful circumstances can often make strangers of lovers and best friends.
Don't allow this to happen to you if you're still invested.
(And I suspect that you are since you are reading this article.
) Take action and fight for what has always been yours.