My friend betrayed me so badly and I’m just done. I don’t want to see him again or talk to him. But my other friend says I should forgive him. We’re all in a group of friends at school and this fight it making this weird.

But I can’t forgive this guy and I won’t. Even thinking about it hurts. I’ll never forget what he did. Some things are just unforgiveable. Aren’t they?

 

Answer:

Look at forgiveness as something you do for yourself.

The act of forgiving isn’t a way of giving your friend a pass or a statement that what they did was okay. Friends do all kind of things and some of those are so unspeakable you may think you’ll never be able to forgive them, but you can. And you should. Forgiveness benefits you more than anyone else.

It’s helpful in this instance to know what forgiveness really is and what it isn’t. It’s a way to free yourself of the negativity associated with this act. Right now, you can’t even think about what your friend did because it hurts so much. But wouldn’t you like to get to a point where you don’t think about it because you’re past it? Not the act of what happened, but the hurt that resulted because of what your friend did?

This doesn’t mean that one day you’ll think about what happened in the past and feel like, “no big deal.” It will always be a big deal. But the difference is that after forgiveness that sharp pain of betrayal won’t be there. You will never be happy about what happened, but you can forgive and not be paralyzed by sadness and hurt, either.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Continuing the Friendship

When you forgive someone it does not mean you need to stay friends with them. It does not mean things go back to “normal” because they can never go back, only forward. So if you choose to forgive, you can do it on your own, without your friend even apologizing for what he did. (Although that would be the appropriate thing for him to do.)

People Who Tell You to Get Over It

You also need to address the friend who is telling you to forgive. While forgiveness is always a healthy choice, it can’t be rushed or ordered. Your friend should help you get to a place of forgiveness and not just tell you to do it all on your own.

This friend wants you to forgive for the sake of the group and you can’t. What your friend did hurt you and as a result the group is disrupted. If the other person is put out by that, it is something they’ll have to deal with in their own way. So when your friend tells you to get over it, you can respond by saying something like, “I want to forgive but I’m not there yet. It would help if you didn’t bring it up so much or rush me. I want to move past this, but I can’t be friends with him again, so please don’t insist on that.”

Being Punished for Someone Else’s Actions

There is a possibility that your other friends will continue to allow him in the group even as you avoid him. As a result, you’ll be left behind. This is never fun and certainly not your fault, but it happens. So while you’re considering forgiveness, you might need to include your other friends from the group for how the whole thing has played out. You may choose to forgive just to return to the group or decide to separate yourself from everyone because they’re still friends with him.

This can feel as if you’re being punished for the actions of your friend, but there are many components to a situation like this, so go easy on yourself and your friends. No one acts perfectly all the time and even when they should stand up for you, sometimes they don’t. If this happens, talk to them about this and try to work through it.

 

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