Coping with infidelity starts the moment a person uncovers that his/her spouse is engaged in an affair. Too often, the numbness and confusion, the pain and anger of uncovering the infidelity is intensified by the myths and half-truths about affairs, and that makes surviving infidelity that much more draining and difficult - both mentally and emotionally. Coping with infidelity initially demands confronting one's taught beliefs about infidelity and extramarital affairs. What are they?

For one thing, many believe that if someone has an affair it means that they "fell out of love" with his or her spouse, and instead "fell in love" with the other person. It's almost as if "love" is some magical powerful force to which we fall prey and cannot influence. Coping with infidelity for the wounded spouse may mean
dealing with the seeming fact that s/he is no longer "loved" and in reality that "love," which was so sacred, is given to someone else.
And, what feels more devastating than NOT to be loved? Another common misconception is that someone jumped into the arms of someone else
because the marriage was awful. This may, and often does mean, that the sex was terrible or nonexistent. And so, the cupboard of marriage was bare of sex and/or intimacy and the cheating spouse just "had" to get his/her needs met... somewhere else, of course.

The remaining spouse, in his/her attempts to cope with the infidelity, thus is confronted with his/her sexual (in)adequacy, his/her limitations in being able to meet the needs of his/her spouse. Additionally, and often without dialogue, this finds him or her forsaken, alone, and impossibly jealous of the other person (OP)
how is now getting all of the goodies.

The 7-year itch. Ever heard of it? It may be an excuse to wonder and wander. And then, the wounded spouse is usually blind-sided by the impulsivity of his or her spouse, and is then left behind at home, dealing with the affair by desperately attempting to keep his or her world together in the midst of all the chaos. Finally, there is the rationalization of (in)compatibility. The married couple just
was not compatible. Or, the cheating spouse, in a moment of insight, came to the conclusion of their incompatibility and needed to find his/her "soul mate" or someone with whom s/he felt compatible.

The wounded spouse is left bemoaning the differences he or she might have had with his or her spouse as if those differences tainted the entire relationship. Coping with infidelity and moving toward healing and recovery is enhanced by breaking down these myths and half-truths, and learning about the complexity, patterns and themes of infidelity and extramarital affairs. Knowledge about infidelity becomes power. Knowledge about infidelity generally brings instant relief. Having knowledge about infidelity gives one options to feel
differently, think differently, and act differently, which in turn provides an incredible feeling of personal power. The "wounded spouse" moves beyond playing the victim role, and recognizes that he or she is not at fault for the affair taking place. S/he is not defective. She or he can confront him or her with an educated guess as to the end result of that confrontation.

Each affair is unique. Each different type of affair serves a unique purpose to the cheating husband or wife. Here are the points of knowledge that, once learned, will bring about a tremendous
amount of hope and relief.

1. There are different types of infidelity. Through my research, I came up with 7 different types of affairs. (My Marriage Made Me Do It, I Can't Say No, I Don't Want to Say No, I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love, I Want to Get Back at Him/Her, I Need to Prove my Desirability, and I Want to be Close to Someone...but
can't stand Intimacy.

2. The reasons behind the varying types of affairs are distinctive. One may be motivated by compulsion, another by strong personal needs for excitement, another for revenge, another to maintain distance in all relationships, and another to project blame onto someone or something else.

3. These motives derive not from the marital relationship or the wounded spouse, but from the personal coping patterns of the cheating spouse. Additionally, these characteristics, motives, and patterns were already well set before the couple even met. At some level, it was necessary for the cheating spouse to "play out" these patterns. Unsurprisingly, most of this acting out (if not all of it), or at least the motivation behind the acting out, are well outside the awareness of the cheating spouse.

Once the wounded spouse becomes aware of these patterns, the complexity of the infidelity and the motives for the cheating spouse - and other person as well - a flood of relief flows. The more one can make distinctions in a situation, the more refined those distinctions become, the less power that situation has to control the
feelings and behavior of a person. Knowledge is power because it comes with options.

The wounded spouse is not suspended in time. The wounded spouse is NOT helpless. The wounded spouse is definitely not less than the cheating spouse and not any less than the other person. Now, the wounded spouse can actually step back, and on some level even appreciate the anguish, the disjointed striving, and the veiled inner
indecision of his/her spouse. And the wounded spouse can now cope with infidelity in powerful ways, charting words and actions that disrupt this powerfully destructive pattern and give hope for
resolution.