"I need no warrant for being and no sanction upon my being.
I am the warrant and the sanction.
" ~Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982) You may call it a 'conversation', but it's hard to connect with others when your mind is cluttered; "What does she think of me?"; "What should I say next" What if I sound stupid?"; "He's so successful...
so powerful...
I'll never be what he is.
" Instead of listening, really listening, you're thinking of the next smart thing you can say or what to do to, "look confident", or, "sound interesting.
" You want this person to like you.
Without their approval, all the worst things you think of yourself will be true.
You're not free.
Too Much Praise? It's easy to understand why an emotionally or physically neglected child grows up believing they're not quite good enough.
Is it surprising to learn there may be a similar outcome for a child with loving, devoted parents who never missed an opportunity to comment on their offspring's brilliance? We love praise.
We also prefer to earn it.
A child who easily, with little effort, hears again and again how wonderful, smart, beautiful and capable she is, will look for evidence backing these claims in the form of personal (and real) accomplishments.
The child makes a direct connection between effort and outcome.
If they don't see it, a well-meaning parent runs the risk of lost credibility.
"They say these things because they love me...
not because they're true.
" When words in the home fail to convince, the need for validation doesn't stop, it simply moves out; the friend, teacher, co-worker or boss are seen as reliable sources for praise and favor.
This then is the adult; maybe it's you, or someone you know, who longs for admiration and carefully sculpts what they present to the world in order to get it.
Rather than a 'real' person, what you see is an edited version; created to please, to impress, to win you over.
The businesswoman thinking she's not really smart, earns several degrees.
The marketing vice-president fearing incompetence, climbs the ladder of success.
Believing he's not good enough, the banker cherishes style and status, signaling superiority.
Will these accomplishments finally change the way they see themselves? They never quite get there.
No matter the trappings; degrees, money, recognition, there is uncertainty and self-doubt.
Praise given by others for real accomplishments is rarely believed, reasoned to have come through luck or beauty or timing - or because they fooled you.
Positive feedback given to the person who, deep inside, believes themselves an impostor, changes nothing.
What Is Real? An example of the 'edited' being the only acceptable version; a woman who will never allow herself to be seen without makeup.
In her mind, she's ordinary, flawed, unappealing.
Makeup changes everything.
Lots of positive comments come her way.
Instead of accepting these comments with grace and beginning to think she's beautiful after all, she thinks; "If they knew the truth, they would never say that.
" Yes, she's convinced others of her beauty; not herself.
When you think you know the "truth" and the "truth" is something other than what you're presenting, positive feedback won't be trusted, praise never believed.
The childhood belief of inadequacy and the need for approval persist.
Find the balance.
Must you prove yourself at every turn, impress others with what you know or what you own or where you've been? True confidence is quiet.
It is peaceful.
It needs no reassurance.
Of course, you're 'good enough' - you're all you need to be.