Your friend did you wrong and you forgave them. Now what? Will you have to do it again? (Without a doubt.) Will you have to forgive them for the exact same thing? (Probably.) Do you have to stay friends with them? (It’s up to you.)
Forgiving is a huge step that allows you to move forward, but what happens after you do that? It’s different for every two people and set of friends, but here are some common scenarios that will help.
You Forgave But They Did the Exact Same Thing Again
Forgiveness is easy when a friend does something wrong, apologizes for it promptly and never does it again. But in life, the path toward healing is rarely smooth. You might forgive your friend and within days or months or years they’ll do the same exact thing again. Then what?
There are big and small things friends do wrong. Some of these are easy enough to get past and others are so big they end your friendship. If you forgave something really small like a bad habit (talking over you, being late all the time) it may take a while for your friend to get a handle on the fact that their poor behavior is bad for your friendship. Maybe they don’t think it’s a big deal so when you get upset they give you a fake apology and go right back to doing it again.
You need to be clear with them that you don’t like this behavior. But be careful. People are flawed (you are too) so expecting someone to be perfect just isn’t going to happen. Some friends may always have a quirk where they continue a bad habit and while it will always bother you, it shouldn’t end your friendship.
Instead, tell your friend how it makes you feel. Such as:
“When you show up an hour late without calling I feel foolish sitting here by myself. How would you like it if I did that to you all the time?”
“Please listen to me. When you talk over me it makes me feel as if you think you know what I’m going to say and don’t care what I’m trying to get across.”
Remember that forgiving a friend doesn’t mean that your friend will change, and really in most cases it would be unfair for you to expect that of them. Part of friendship is learning to adapt and accept people as they are. However, if bad habits are bringing your friendship down you need to communicate that honestly but kindly.
They Betrayed You More Than Once
Even worse than forgiving the small things is when you forgive something big, a major betrayal, and after a short time your friend does the same kind of thing again. Perhaps it was gossip that damaged your reputation, maybe it was inappropriately flirting with your spouse or worse, or maybe it was doing something caused problems in your other relationships. Betrayal takes on different meanings.
One thing is certain, when a friend betrays you and gets a second chance, they need to be extra careful next time. A betrayal basically says that your friend placed something else (the need for attention, a desire to act out) ahead of you and your friendship. So when you give them a second chance, they should treat it as the precious gift it is.
It’s hard to stay friends with someone who broke your trust, so if you’ve already forgiven them once you now have a decision to make. You can forgive them a second time and move on from the friendship, or you can forgive them and give them another chance as a friend.
There are no right or wrong answers here, so whatever your decision, make it without guilt. If you like this friend and feel they have remorse for what they’ve done, you might want to try again. But there’s also nothing wrong with deciding that you will surround yourself with kind, loving people, and when someone hurts you repeatedly it’s time to say goodbye.
Your Friend Didn’t Think They Did Anything Wrong and Never Apologized
Forgiveness is on your end and has nothing to do with the other person. Granted, it’s easier to forgive when someone is sorry and genuinely remorseful, but in the end making the choice to forgive is within your power whether or not your friend apologizes.
When you chose to forgive you can’t secretly hold it against your friend. Better to end the friendship if you feel your friend hurt you on purpose and doesn’t seem to care that they did. But if you feel the offense is something you can live with and your friend is otherwise good to you, you might consider staying in the friendship.
You Forgave, But You’re Just Not Sure If You Can Keep This Friend In Your Life
Regardless of what your friend did, only you can decide if someone is right for your social circle. Always forgive to free yourself from anger and hurt, and search your heart for the right decision on what to do after. You don’t need to justify keeping a friend or ending a friendship to anyone for any reason.