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The preview audience I saw Old Dogs with was either a) in training to provide laugh tracks for TV sitcoms or b) amped up on caffeine or c) the easiest audience ever to sit through a comedy movie. Based on their reaction, Old Dogs is the funniest film of the decade. But I just don't get what's so funny. Old Dogs doesn't try any new tricks, relying instead on the same old overused gags and tried and true - and tired - topics for jokes.

That reliance on old material means the humor of Old Dogs gets old quickly.

It comes as no shock that Old Dogs was directed by Walt Becker, the director of Wild Hogs. Old Dogs feels like an alternate version of Wild Hogs, with the hogs being replaced by little kids. There's even a scene in Old Dogs where the two leads - John Travolta (one of the stars of Wild Hogs) and Robin Williams - are mistaken as homosexuals, just as in Wild Hogs. We've seen most of the set-ups in Old Dogs done before, and done infinitely better.

The Story

Charlie (Travolta) and Dan (Williams) are business partners and lifelong friends who own a sports marketing company. They're on the verge of signing what would be their biggest account ever when lo and behold, a blast from the past walks back into Dan's life. Seven years prior, Dan was in a funk after getting divorced and Charlie took him to South Beach, Florida, to get his freak back on. Charlie got Dan drunk, talked him into getting 'Free Man' tattooed across his hairy chest (which winds up being 'Fremont', a running gag that's just not that funny), and then out to meet some equally inebriated and horny women.
Dan meets Vicki (Kelly Preston aka Mrs John Travolta), they marry, sleep together, and then separate the next day when the effects of the alcohol have worn off.

None of this action, by the way, is anywhere near as interesting as it sounds – and yes, I realize it doesn't sound interesting at all. What Dan hasn't known for seven years is that that one night together led to Vicki giving birth to twins. Now Vicki's about to serve time (two weeks) for protesting something or other, and needs Dan to look after the kids he never knew he had. Seriously? She's trusting her children to a man she met and slept with one night seven years ago?

So now these bachelors, who've never attempted to make friends with kids before, are responsible for their care 24 hours a day for 14 days. With a major business deal in the works. Without any clue as to how to interact with kids. If that isn't the set up for some slapstick comedy I don't know what is. But, unfortunately, Becker and screenwriters David Weissman and David Diamond don't capitalize on what the kids bring to the mix and instead focus too much on Travolta, Williams, their Japanese business associates, and the stereotypical annoying assistant (played annoyingly by Seth Green).

The Bottom Line

It's a good thing the script makes a point of dealing with Travolta and Williams' ages. They're both in their 50s and about the only thing Old Dogs gets right is pointing out the vast difference between their ages and the kids' and using that for fodder for some of the funnier bits. The age-based jokes include multiple, beat-you-over-the-head-until-you-cry-uncle references to grandparents taking care of their grandkids, senior meal deals, and a gag on pill-taking that's beyond ridiculous. But even with the acknowledgment of their ages, Travolta and Williams just don't fit into these roles. No matter the situation, I always saw 'Travolta' and 'Williams' and never Charlie and Dan. Same can be said for the flurry of recognizable actors who flit in and out of the film. When Bernie Mac appears onscreen in his last performance before his tragic death last August at the age of 50, the material is so limp he never gets to disappear into character.
Old Dogs should be confined to the doghouse - or the discount bin at a video store. Stay away from this one if you're looking for anything other than a predictable, pathetic comedy with no redeeming qualities. Old Dogs doesn't just roll over and play dead, it is in fact lifeless.

GRADE: D

Old Dogs was directed by Walt Becker and is rated PG for some mild rude humor.

Theatrical Release: November 25, 2009

_{Disclosure: This review is based on a screening provided by the studio. For more information, please see our Ethics Policy.}