Your parents are proud and independent.
They can hide a lot of symptoms in a telephone call or weekend visit.
But you need to know that your parents are safe, healthy and happy.
Time is at a premium in everyone's life.
But here's the reality: It takes time to gather the information needed to realistically assess their condition.
It even takes time to find the right person or organization to do this vital oversight if you can't be there.
You've got to be willing to see things you'd rather ignore.
Aging parents make things work by helping each other out.
This is healthy couple behavior, until it isn't.
Once they're hiding, perhaps from themselves, but particularly from you, what's really happening, it's very hard to get a clear picture.
What's going on in the home? Is it clean? Are they getting the nutrition they need? Taking their medicines correctly? Managing the bills? How are they interacting? They aren't as elastic emotionally or physically as they used to be.
Their partner may not be able to supply all the help they need.
They can get testy.
They're not being mean; they often simply can't manage.
In worst-case solutions, parents who adore each other get in over their heads and behavior can veer toward abusive.
Someone has to see to intervene.
You're going to miss signs even when you're there, because you won't want to see them.
It's hard letting them age, watching their worlds diminish.
There comes a time when your parents can no longer process all the information and tasks required for healthy living.
Life keeps expanding at a rapid fire pace while our elders' ability to cope is slowly contracting.
They may attempt to simplify their lives and wind up cutting out important steps for health.
They may not know their options.
(One great thing about the large number of boomers with elderly parents is that there are more and more services being created.
) Aging is accompanied by horrible challenges.
I remember saying with great frustration, "Don't you understand...
" continuing on to make some important point.
My mother turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and simply said "No.
" At that moment, we both knew, and acknowledged to one another, that life was forever changed.
It was heartbreaking.
But it was darned helpful.
You will need to take more and more responsibilities from your parents, while helping them maintain as much independence as possible.
This is an excruciating dance.
Just as you think you've understood, it changes.
You have to:
- Acknowledge your elders' diminishment.
- Find the right (shifting!) balance between their independence and safety.
It's difficult to discern gradual movements and difficult to cope with sudden ones. - Discover the balance between their dignity and your peace of mind.
Letting them wear themselves to a nub because they're proud doesn't help them - neither does squashing their pride, but doing nothing can endanger them.
However, your parents' safety and your peace of mind and heart will result from your involvement.
However frustrating, you can all share a wonderful journey.