Sometimes I work with clients who for many reasons have not learned to enjoy their sexuality. They are in a marriage and their partner feels alone, even if this partner is having sexual relations with them. One spouse will tell me that the other spouse will go through the motions, but that they feel nothing. Wonderful sex brings a feeling of union and no other relationship can express closeness in this same way. If the partner doesn't connect to them, but merely goes through the physical motions, that experience of union can't be felt.

So what to do, I say ask them: How was sex talked about when they grew up? Did their parents appear physically affectionate around them? Were bad things said about sex in their parent's marriage or their own marriage? Was either parent positive or negative about sex in a marriage? Each partner needs to explore how they came to feel about their sexual expression. Then I recommend each partner keep what was good and work to shift the rest.

Also I talk to men and women who were taught restrictive boundaries about sexual expression. €Don't be vulnerable,€ €Don't let go,€ €Sex is bad, dirty and wrong.€ The sexual revolution moved our society's acceptance and embracing of sexuality to a much more open and positive place. But each individual has to do their own work on enjoying and opening up to the vulnerability of sexuality in a marriage.

Ask your partner to be emotionally present with you during sex, tell them about the warmth and connection that it gives you, give that warmth and connection right back, tune into your partner and be patient as they press themselves to express their sexuality more freely. I recommend that you don't take no for an answer and choose to having a good sexual expression in your marriage. Get professional help if the relationship isn't improving. There is always a solution. Then enjoy that beautiful, fun and delightful union that you have created.

Whether you are a newly married couple having great sex or uptight about your body image and not comfortable with it all, or married for many years, now less inhibited and want sensuality to be an active part of your relationship, work with each other to make this a delightful experience. Men have that very strong hormone called testerone and women have a less strong hormone called estrogen. The levels of these hormones can vary in each person. So you even can have partners with opposite drive. Lastly I recommend that if you are the man, never forget to woo her, and I say women never forget to woo your man. That way, hormones won't be the only thing driving your wonderful sexual relationship. Enjoy!