Updated July 29, 2014.

 Caregivers want to hear what helped other caregivers, that's what all the research says, and every caregiver I've ever spoken to wants to know. Each month we'll be featuring an in-depth interview with a caregiver who has gotten through, stumbled sometimes, and ultimately is able to look back on their experience with a sense of contentment of sorts that they did the very best they could. This month, we're featuring Marc Vera who was a caregiver to his partner Jeff who had pancreatic cancer.

 

Tell me a little bit about your caregiving experience; who were you caring for; how long did it last? What was your overall experience if you had to sum it up in a couple of words?

I was caring for my partner who had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer.  We were a team throughout, but I was responsible for getting him to appointments, making sure he took his meds and taking care of all of the bills.  I was lucky that he was under my, quite amazing, health insurance.  We we're truly in sync and knew when one needed rest (him) or one needed time to exercise/vent (me).  We were a solitary team in NC, as we had just moved there at diagnosis.  We had no friends or family nearby throughout the ordeal.  He fought for 18 months from diagnosis until the cancer won.  The experience was inspiring, exhausting, emotional, and a gift.

Did you have good support through your partner’s illness and death? How do  you wish your support system had been better or different during that time?

My support was good when it came to the phone and internet, but that only does so much.

 Some friends flew down to visit and that was fantastic and made things better.  I also started seeing a therapist, but for another issue my partner had...and then the cancer came up.  My second visit was after the cancer diagnosis and after I finished my story the therapist said, while wiping a tear, "That's what makes therapists cry."  I knew then that I would stay with this therapist throughout my partner's treatment.  I needed an "in-the-flesh" person to talk to about what was going on.

The only thing I wish was different was that we had a local support system, though I'm not sure how that would've helped.  It wasn't that we were in any peril, or sad...maybe it's just that I felt so alone throughout the whole thing.  Talking on the phone is one thing, talking in person is another.

Lots of caregivers have those “OMG I can’t do this one more minute” moments. Can you remember any particular moments like that? What was the hardest time of day for you? The best?

Ya know, I don't think I ever had an "I can't do this" moment, at least not with the cancer.  When you know your partner is dying, you do everything you can to be with them.  There were times when we both worried about my future and what I would do, as I didn't really work while he was sick.  He was more concerned for my future than I was.

The hardest time of day for me was the night.  I always had a hard time sleeping.  I would put my partner to bed at 10 or 11 (if he wasn't sleeping on the couch with me) and then I'd stay up until 1 or 2, doing nothing.  My fear was he wouldn't wake up and that I wouldn't see his eyes again.

The best moments were the mornings, when he'd come around the corner into the living room.  I'd already be awake sitting there and he'd bounce into the kitchen to get breakfast.  His, "Hey yo!" would always put a smile on my face.

This is part one of Marc's interview; you can read part two here.