GOOD EVENING MOTHAF*CKAS! (I hope you guys read that in your best Samuel L. Jackson voice because I MEAN BUSINESS PEOPLE! YOU GON' LEARN TODAY!... And one last thing before I provide you with some knowledge to ease the mind, body and soul... Am I the only sorry soul who's been pronouncing his name as Samu-EL Jackson this whole time? Don't get me wrong, I've noticed his middle initial before but I guess it's never really registered in my mind until right now. So, if I were to pronounce his name the way I've been pronouncing it for as long as I can remember without excluding his middle initial, it would come out as Samu-EL L. Jackson... Causing myself to mistake him for LL Cool J, which will eventually lead myself to believe that the Illuminati is responsible for all of this.)

So anyways, as I was saying before, I hope you're ready to learn because today I'm going to be teaching you guys how to properly sit down and enjoy your favorite television show or movie on Netflix without experiencing the guilt that comes with putting off your school work, canceling plans with your friends/family, skipping leg day at the gym, taking a short break from your significant other, not having a significant other, skipping class, missing work or just generally being unproductive. So in other words, for the sake of your own well being, STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW!

But, assuming you're like most Americans and naturally just don't give a rat's ass about your own well being, you may continue reading but DON'T YOU DARE SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!

First off, I want you guys to think of this as some sort of therapy session. Netflix is your therapist and you're its patient. Just sit back, take a deep breath and let the theatrical phenomenon they call Netflix do the rest.

Next, I'm going to throw situations your way that will cause you to have second thoughts about spending a little time with your Netflix account. Some of these thoughts will hit you like a bus full of screaming children. That, my friends, is why I will be providing solutions for each first world problem that I list.

Before reading the list below just keep in mind, you're Usher and Alicia Keys (Your Boo) is Netflix or vice versa if you're a female...
You just remembered you're supposed to meet your friend for lunch in about 20 minutes.
Solutions:
Watch as much of the episode/movie as you can in those 20 minutes, then...
If you're hooked, you're hooked. If it so happens to be an episode of Breaking Bad, your friend will understand. Just meet them when it's over.
Simply tell your friend shit hit the fan and you're rushing your dog/cat to the vet as you speak. Then proceed to hit play with a smug-ass (Or bitch face, for all you ladies reading) look on your face.
Depending on your feelings towards being around another human being at that moment in time, you can always take a much more reasonable approach and suggest that you both order takeout and just go back to your place and continue watching.
Your significant other insists that you haven't been spending enough time together.
Solutions:
Suggest that maybe it's best for both of you if you took a break from each other for a while. When the episode/movie is over call/text them, admit you were wrong and say you've been having an awful day. And if he/she asks why, tell them your beloved pet is sick.
Simply ignore his or her text/calls for the time being. Once the episode/movie is over, feel free to watch another. Don't get too carried away though, I'll explain why, in a bit. Once you've satisfied your craving for the day, call him/her back and simply say you were sleeping. Now, the reason why I advised you not to get too carried away is because no matter how gullible your significant other may be, taking a 10 hour nap is just not very believable.
Or, depending on the mood you're in, you can simply bite the bullet and invite him/her over for a movie night.
You don't have a significant other.
Solutions:
Don't fret. Here are many reasons why having a Netflix account is waaaaayyy (I love finding excuses to use italics. Maybe I'll type my next post in all italics. WHO'S GONNA STOP ME?!) better than having that special someone...
Besides the feasible charge of $8 a month, Netflix won't constantly ask you for money or to take it shopping.
It caters to your every need without the moaning and groaning.
It never asks for anything in return.
Shit, it even asks you if you've had enough of it. The only catch is, you have 20 seconds to decide.
It never gets tired. It'll go all night long, you best believe it.
It will never deny you of anything.
Netflix won't be offended if you don't buy it a Birthday/Christmas/Valentines day present.
It won't stop working on you for no reason.
It remembers your name.
It can tolerate those nights when you've had a little too much to drink.
It never gives you those, "When's the last time you've been to the gym?"
You have the ability to mute it any time you want.
Did I mention it never asks you for money?
It doesn't have parents for you to meet.
It never gets tired of your friends.
There are certainly no pointless family parties for you to attend when you're with Netflix.
There's no "Do you think these jeans make my ass look too big?"
It will never go through your text messages.
Neflix doesn't even care how big your goods are.
It will never GO BEHIND YOUR BACK AND SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST FRIE... I apologize, I guess that's what I get for listening to Drake while I type this.

I'm impressed, yet a tad bit concerned of the amount of excuses I was able to crank out to justify the reason why I don't have a girlfriend...

Well, I have taught you all there is to know about the Netflix game. I suggest you use this advice wisely. But on the real (Had to say it just so you know that I'm about to say some real shit), if you have a chance at acquiring a soul mate of your own (Not an actor/actress you fell in love with on Netflix) I would advise going for it. You don't want to end up typing a long list of excuses as to why you "stepped out of the dating scene" for a fat minute.

I'll let those be my parting words. Take them as you will. Remember. I'm Yoda, you're Luke Skywalker. I'm Michael Jackson, you Tito!

Thanks for reading and stay on your ass for a while, you deserve it!