Sarah Palin Jokes
"Sarah Palin thinks the alphabet has 22 letters. She's so dumb she thinks the capital of China is Chinatown. Sarah Palin is so dumb, she thinks billboards are postcards from giants. The governor of Alaska is so dumb, she thinks soy milk is Spanish for 'I am milk.'" --"Daily Show" correspondent Wyatt Cenac"Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign.
There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'" --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers." --Conan O'Brien
"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska." --Conan O'Brien
"How about Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Right now on her way back to Alaska. And I'm thinking oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose now. But on the bright side, at least now Tina Fey can spend Saturdays with her family again, so that's a good deal." --David Letterman
"People all over the world are celebrating Barack Obama's victory.
In fact, Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house." --David Letterman
"You know who is really, really happy that John McCain did not win last night? The boyfriend of Sarah Palin's daughter. He doesn't have to get married now. 'Whew, thank God!'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, Sarah Palin was pretty upset last night. Did you see her? Yeah, well, she wasn't upset because she lost. Now she's got to give all of her clothes back." --Jay Leno
"A lot of speculation about Sarah Palin's future, but last night, she denied rumors that she's getting ready to run for president in 2012. Palin said, 'That’s a long time away. I'll be a great-grandmother by then.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." —Jay Leno
"The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits" --from David Letterman's "Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses for Spending $150,000 on Clothes" (Read the list)
"Sarah Palin is taking heat because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does ... She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to." --Bill Maher
"McCain campaign insiders say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she's not listening to advice and she's going off on her own and saying whatever she wants. And then when the campaign was asked what they like best about her, they said, "She's a maverick!" --Jay Leno
"I can see Russia from my house!" --Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live (Watch video)
"I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers." --Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin in the VP debate (Watch video)
"Gwen, we don't know if this climate change hoozie-what's-it is man made or if it's just a natural part of the 'End of Days. But I'm not gonna talk about that. I would like to talk about taxes, because with Barack Obama, you're gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And also, too, the great Ronald Reagan." --Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin in the VP debate (Watch video)
"It turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.' He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president." --Conan O'Brien
"In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection." --Conan O'Brien
"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel
"She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing...She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi...She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." –David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's digs at Sarah Palin)
"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher
Read more Sarah Palin jokes...
Next > The Best Obama Jokes & Biden Jokes
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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