Following is the transcript of Saturday Night Live comedian Cecily Strong's hilarious speech at the 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner.

CECILY STRONG: Feels right to have a woman follow President Obama, doesn't it? 

Good evening. I'm Cecily Strong. You may know me from "Saturday Night Live," or as the ethnically ambiguous girl from every college brochure. I'm sort of a mash-up of all the people in Hillary Clinton's announcement video.


I'm also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years, so we finally made it, straight people. Where my heterosexuals at, huh? No, you mind (ph). Oh, no.

Now I do need to say something here. Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean I'm going to go easy on you, people. I'm going to go easy on you people because my brain is smaller. 

(LAUGHTER)

I feel very lucky to be here. Last year's host, Joel McHale, proves that speaking at this dinner is an amazing opportunity that can take you from starring on a show on NBC, all the way to starring in that same show, but on Yahoo. 

I took Amtrak here. It was way more luxurious than I thought. Did you know they had massage seats available on those trains? All you need to do is sit in front of Joe Biden. Those hands don't get tired, somehow. 

I hope everyone enjoyed dinner. We tried to get memory's pizza to cater this event, but they heard a rumor Barney Frank was going to be here. So, thanks a lot, Barney. We could have had that world famous Indiana pizza.

 

I can make that joke about Indiana, because I'm from Illinois. 

The White House Correspondents' Dinner say chance for all of you to unwind, relax, and laugh as soon as you notice someone slightly more powerful than you is laughing. Feels so weird to be up here, and, OK, I promise, since I'm only a comedian, I'm not going to try to tell you politicians how to do politics, or whatever. That's not my job. Thad be like you guys telling me what to do with my body. I mean, can you even imagine?

(LAUGHTER & CHEERS)

Now, tonight's event is being broadcast on C-SPAN, so to some viewers watching at home on C-SPAN, hello. But to most viewers watching at home on C-SPAN, meow. 

(LAUGHTER)

Now, if you don't know how to find C-SPAN, you just press the guide button on your remote and then hit page up until your thumb cramps up. 

Hey, C-SPAN, I just want to do a camera check real quick, OK, camera one -- and that's it. That's all the cameras. 

It is great to be here at the Washington Hilton. It's something a prostitute might say to a congressman. 

The Washington Hilton, you guys, man, if these walls could talk, they'd probably say, clean me. 

(LAUGHTER)

You know, it's crazy to think that our president is right here in the ballroom of the Washington Hilton. And it's even crazier to think that our vice president is right now in the ball pit of a Washington Chuck E. Cheese. 

But seriously, the Washington Hilton is great, and I bet that when the president walked in and saw all those bell hops, he thought, finally, some decent security. 

(LAUGHTER)

No, it's OK. I'm just kidding. Because let's give it up for the Secret Service. Yes. 

(APPLAUSE)

I don't want to be too hard on those guys, because they're the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot. 

Are you saying boo, or are you saying true? 

Tonight brings together so many different ways of delivering the news, but you're all in this together, from the networks at the front, to the Internet and cable in the back, all the way to the incredible print journalists who are bussing the tables. 

(LAUGHTER)

MSNBC is here. I love MSNBC. You know, even their call letters are long-winded, just a great variety of shows. Rachel Maddow, locked up abroad, lock-up raw, lock-up SUV, lock-up Espanol, Lock-up bloopers. 

MSNBC shows so many prison documentaries, they're making Ed Schultz get a tear drop tattoo. 

(LAUGHTER)

FOX News is here. FOX News has been losing a lot of viewers lately and may they rest in peace. 

(LAUGHTER)

That's nice to say. That channel is all hot blonde ladies and old dudes. You know, every show on FOX News looks like a party scene from "Weekend at Bernie's". 

And you got to give it up for CNN. You know, it's just comforting to know that whenever a big story breaks, I can turn to CNN and watch Anthony Bourdain eat a cricket. 

"Huffington Post" is here -- hey, way to go on that partnership with AOL. Everyone in my chat room won't stop talking about it.

"BuzzFeed" is here. But I can show you a list of 17 reasons why they shouldn't be. 

And you guys, don't forget, "USA Today" is here. Of course they're only here because they were slipped under the hotel door. 

(LAUGHTER)

Now that's "USA Today" unless today is Saturday or Sunday. 

(LAUGHTER)

NPR is here. Yes. They're right at the front. 

NPR had a lot of success with Sarah Koenig's "Serial" podcasts which finally answered the question, what would it be like if somebody gently whispered an episode of "Dateline"? 

And, Sarah, I'm so sorry, you weren't able to get your plus one out of jail in time. 

Sarah Koenig must be so pissed about the jinx. It's "Serial" but with an ending. Hey, Sarah, next season, pick someone who definitely did it, like Amanda Knox. 

There's DNA on the knife, you guys. 

NBC is here. You know, even us at "SNL" got criticized this year for making fun of ISIS. Now, I think that's unfair. I mean, if anyone is guilty of taking ISIS too lightly, it's him, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh. And what can I say about Brian Williams? Nothing, because I work for NBC. 

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, there's so many stars from so many great shows here, we are really in a golden age of television, you know, but I have to say, I still see so many negative portrayals of black and gay people out there. I mean, it's 2015, and we still have TV characters like Don Lemon. It's ridiculous. 

Cast of ABC's "Blackish" is here, which I think is very inappropriate after the way they treated those whales at SeaWorld. 

Some of the casts of the epic fantasy series "Game of Thrones" is here and they it will me that even they have never seen this many nerds before. 

Naomi Campbell is here. Now, Naomi, you're lucky Hillary Clinton is not here, because if you threw your BlackBerry at her, she would just delete everything right off of it. 

Hillary Clinton said that she used her private e-mail because she didn't want to use more than two devices. Now, if that sounds familiar, it's because it's also one of the rules from the sex contract in "Fifty Shades of Grey." 

Some of the cost of "Downton Abbey" is here, thanks to a generous donation from the constituents of Aaron Schock. 

Speaking of Aaron Schock, you might notice I'm a little tan. I just got back from the most fabulous trip that Aaron took me on, and I brought my Instagram photos to show with you. So, you're probably familiar now with this picture of shack surfing in Hawaii. Can you widen that a little? Yes, see, there's me. By the end, I didn't even need a surf board. I just used Aaron's abs. 

Then we went diving into this cool swimming pool that he had built. It hurt when I landed. Oh, and here's me and Aaron skydiving. Aaron said he made his own parachute out of some gifts his constituents gave him. Isn't that so sweet? 

Oh, and here we are at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Paris is so beautiful. 

Mr. President, you should really think about going there sometime. I hear the weather is nice in January. 

Now, here we are on our trip to California. We must have done this for hours and hours, just so much wasted water. Fun. 

Here we are at Aaron Schock's own dinosaur island. 

And here we are after hunting the dinosaurs. Wait, is that Brian Williams? You weren't there. What are you doing, you rascal! 

Oh, man, Aaron and I, we just had so much fun, and no, I know what you're thinking, but it was not romantic. It was strictly a friendship trip, he reminded me every day. Thanks for those couple, you. 

But just because Aaron Schock resigned doesn't mean there are not any smoking hot congressmen left. I mean, looking out tonight, I see so many 10s. Well, Washington 10s, so New York 4s, Indiana 30s. 

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is retiring after serving more than 30 years in Congress. Now, a lot of people don't know this. Harry Reid was a boxer before he spent five years as a punching bag. 

Now, one of my favorite things that happened in Congress this year was when Senator Jim Inhofe brought in a snowball to prove that climate change isn't real. I mean, that blew my mind, I didn't even need to see the other science projects. First prize, Jim. Dang! You brought science to life, man! So cool. 

Senator Tom Cotton got 47 other senators to sign an open letter he wrote to Iran. And I guess the most surprising thing is that a guy named Tom Cotton is a U.S. senator and not a rabbit from an old racist Disney cartoon. Oh, please bear don't throw old Tom Cotton in the briar patch.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, in Tom Cotton's defense, he was just trying to repair America's strained relationship with Israel. But he doesn't need to worry about that. Our relationship will be better in the next administration, just as soon as Israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton Foundation. True.

Now, it's been a great year for women, as always. This year, representative from Hobby Lobby said they didn't want to pay for employees' health care if it covered things like contraceptives, which is weird, because all I asked him was, which aisle is the yarn in.

Actually, I do love Hobby Lobby. I went there this morning and got the cutest basket to hold all my morning-after pills. 

Idaho Representative Vito Barbieri recently asked if gynecological exams could be conducted by a woman swallowing a camera, but they can't, and now Vito and his wife have ruined a perfectly good GoPro. 

President Obama came out in support of putting women on money, as opposed to the DEA agents who prefer to put money on women. 

So much to talk about this year, but, of course, the big story, the Republicans finally succeed and Obama is being forced out of office in 18 months. You did it! 

And there's so many great people have already announced they're running for president. Like who should I even vote for? (Hillary). There's Marco Rubio, it's like, who's better than Marco Rubio? (Hillary). And there's Rand Paul, I mean who's more knowledgeable about foreign policy than Rand Paul? (Hillary). And of course, there's Hillary. I mean, whose better on the economy than Hillary? (Bill)."

Hillary Clinton's campaign slogan is 'It's Your Time,' which I imagine is what she says to herself in the mirror when she's dead-lifting 200 pounds.

I’m excited about Hillary running, though I’m not sure she’s excited about having to run. I imagine she feels the same way Meryl Streep feels when she’s asked to audition for something.

I want all the media to put their hands up and swear something this election season: 'I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance because that is not journalism.'

But Hillary Clinton has her work cut out for her. Her Democratic challengers are a who's who of who's that? Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Silas Phelps, Peter Wilks. Now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but you didn't even notice, did you? How about that?

Jeb Bush is probably in the race…by the way, Jeb is actually an acronym for John Ellis Bush. I guess he thought that sounded to elitist so he way overcompensated. That's kind of like if Benedict Cumberbatch decided to go by Skeeter.

Marco Rubio is running for president. When Jeb Bush found out, he said, "Ay dios mio!" Marco Rubio makes Mitt Romney looks relaxed on the air. I just hope that Marco Rubio gets relaxed in front of a camera before he has to go onto the air to endorse Jeb. 

Ted Cruz. It’s like the right wing thought, ‘What’s the exact opposite of a black president? How about a Canadian Latino who will never be president?

No, it's true. ?He was born in Canada, a child of Cuban immigrants.I kind of can't believe he wasn't in Hillary's announcement video.

Carly Fiorina is considering running for president. Seems like a lot of work just to be a Fox News pundit.

Rand Paul has announced that he's taking over the family's Not Being President Business. That's Rand as in, he didn't get elected, but at least he Rand.