In the 1999 Rob Reiner movie, "The Story of Us," parents Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer sit at dinner every night with their children and play the High/Low Game.
Each family member states what the lowest point of the day was and then states what the highest point of the day was.
This sharing between child and parent is the kind of stuff dreams are made of.
What parent, especially when the child reaches middle school and begins adolescence, doesn't dream of that modernized, but no less iconic, Beaver-Cleaver moment and doesn't want to incorporate it into family life? The problem, of course, is: How do we do that? In his book, "Uncommon Sense for Parents With Teenagers," Dr.
Michael Riera says that when children reach adolescence it's up to the parents to redefine their roles with their children in order to stay connected in their adolescents' lives.
"Until this point, you have acted as a manager in your child's life: arranging rides and doctors' appointments, planning outside or weekend activities, helping with and checking on homework.
Suddenly none of this is applicable.
Without notification, and without consensus, you are fired from the role of manager.
Now you must scramble and restrategize; if you are to have meaningful influence in your teenager's life through adolescence and beyond, then you must work your tail off to get rehired as consultant.
" But giving up power for influence can be tricky for a lot of parents.
After all, you are handing teens more freedom at the exact time in their lives they often are demonstrating the least amount of common sense.
When a child enters these magical years, parents may feel rejected by them, alone in their dilemma and scared that they will lose touch with their child or worse.
Steven Freemire, Marriage and Family Therapist in Walnut Creek and Berkeley, said parents need to try to find "playful and creative ways" to stay engaged with their adolescents.
"Be curious about their lives, sincerely curious, and ask about specific things that show you're interested," he said.
One mother of two teenage girls, Ellen Barros of Orinda, said that keeping the lines of communication open with a teenager is a lot like being a "can opener.
" "It's like you're one of those old can openers that doesn't work very well.
You just keep working and turning it and trying to open that can, even when you cut your fingers, you just have to keep at it.
It will open," Barros said.
Here are a few practical tips for parenting you might try: Set aside some time, maybe not every day, but at least once a week for sharing.
This doesn't have to be at the dinner table.
In fact, dinner is often code for adolescents to simply chew and shut up.
Sometimes it's more effective to let them get into bed and go in and talk with them then about their day.
At that point, they've had time to unwind and they feel relaxed enough to open up to you.
As long as you're able, try to drive your adolescent.
This could be before and after school or to social or extracurricular activities.
You've hit the Teen Jackpot if you're driving a group of kids.
Suddenly you don't exist.
At those moments, it may be best to turn down your music and tune into the conversation around you.
Even though your adolescent wants to begin feeling some control and power over his or her life, you need to take, what Riera calls your "consultant" job seriously.
Let your adolescent know you care but be cool about it.
You have to find that balance between hovering over your child (commonly called "a helicopter parent") and neglect.
Don't let rolling eyes or sarcastic comments deter you: your child still wants you to be involved; just in less obvious, direct ways.
Find ways to communicate with your child that are less confrontational than face-to-face conversations.
Freemire said that often teens will open up when there's no direct eye contact.
This is where technology really pays off.
We all know our children routinely communicate via computer and text messaging.
Why not utilize that? Texting your child a little bit during the day allows him or her to feel connected to you without feeling that you're managing his or her life.
Freemire suggests having your child teach you how to text.
This serves a dual purpose: Your teen can feel good that he or she can teach you something and you now can enjoy a texting relationship, which provides you with one more venue for interaction with your teen.
Freemire also suggests writing a weekly email to the teens in your life to let them know you care.
Knowing when not to communicate is just as important as knowing when to communicate, Freemire said.
Using Riera's model of HALT, Freemire reiterates that it's best to hold the conversation if either you or your teen are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
Conversations when one or both people are feeling one or more of these things, often result in frustration or argument.
It's best for the parent to follow the teen's lead in conversation and be ready to talk when your teen seems open to it, Freemire said.
Being a parent to a teenager isn't easy.
It often seems fruitless.
The more ways you can find to keep a strong bond between you and your teenager the safer your teen will be and the happier you'll be.
To gain more insights into staying connected with your teen, you may go to http://www.
contracostamenscenter.
com, an online parent service co-directed by Freemire.
Another resource is http://www.
Mytextalk.
com, which is an online community where you can learn about the world of texting.