Can you relate to any of these comments? "My baby hasn't been able to sit still since the moment he learned how to crawl.
" "My child is so easily distracted and struggles with self-control...
she always has.
" "I hate having to wait for things.
Life is too short to sit around waiting.
" It turns out the ability for us to stay focused, screen out distractions, delay gratification and many other 'higher functions' of the brain are not hard-wired into us.
They must be learned and reinforced after we are born or they may not ever appear in our lives.
These skills are referred to as self-regulation and besides the above, include abilities such as; problem solving, planning, evaluating progress towards a goal, controlling impulses, switching from task to task, calming yourself when upset and practicing self-control.
These are important skills and as if this is not enough it seems that if this area of the brain is not programmed for these skills, it will be used for something else! Here's an example of how a lack of self-regulation pathways can harm a child: Imagine your child is bothered by the smell of bleach.
She goes to school and because of allergies the desks are all sprayed down with a bleach mixture after lunch.
When your child comes in from recess she is met with this smell that irritates her.
If her self-regulation is not in place, she will be unable to disengage or ignore the smell.
She might not be aware that it is the smell that is bothering her, but she will recognize the feeling of agitation.
This state of agitation and her lack of self-regulation makes it extremely hard for her to focus or shift her attention away from distractions.
As a result she is not learning and is quite likely to be disruptive.
Should another child bother her at that time (knock over her crayons, ask to borrow a pencil, bump into her...
) she will react strongly and negatively.
Your child ends up being removed from the classroom every afternoon and nobody really understands the reason why.
The ability to self-regulate begins through interaction with a primary caregiver.
In the first year of life, millions of pathways are being created.
At specific times in life the brain starts to prune back - or get rid of those pathways that are not often being used.
Pathways that are reinforced with a variety of sensory information, for example; visual, sound, smell, touch, taste will have the greatest chance of remaining firmly in place.
As a result, self-regulation is best created when it involves as many of the following as possible:

1. Physical activity: Any bodily movement produced by skeletal muscles that results in energy expenditure
2. Listening skills: Needing to follow verbal directions
3. Tactile stimulation: Body learning from the sense of touch, skin contact and pressure
4. Body awareness: Recognizing how different parts of the body feel, how it functions and how it changes with emotion
5. Space awareness: Knowing where the body can and should move in relationship to other people in the play space
6. Shared space: Having a designated play space that is being used by everyone
7. Cooperative play: Games and activities that the participants play together rather than against one another

Games like peek-a-boo, Simon says, I spy and Sensory books are all great self-regulation tools.
Asking your child to patiently wait for things, to concentrate on slowing down his motor, to notice his body cues and/or feelings are also excellent ways of forming these pathways.
Board games with a problem solving focus, dances with 'freeze frame' moments and even freeze tag can help.
What's important is that we do what we can to bring in all the senses and make a concentrated effort to ensure learning is taking place.
A word of caution, however, self-regulation will only occur when both parties are calmly focused on the task.
If either one is participating against her will or the environment is way too distracting, self-regulation will not be the outcome.
Self-regulation can develop throughout childhood, adolescence and young adulthood as challenges to which the child is exposed increase.
As a result, protecting your child from all potential problems in life or fixing problems for him, will not be doing him any favours.
The more developed a child's self-regulation, the more receptive and able she will be to adopt healthy behaviours.
Notice which areas your child seems to excel in and which present as a challenge.
Find activities that will help her develop in the challenging areas and alternate with some that further reinforce her better developed skills.
It is possible the areas she struggles in will also be a challenge for you, so games that promote those skills can be great family activities.
Finally, it might be tempting to take it personally if your child currently struggles with self-regulation.
There are so many things that could have gotten in the way of your child learning these skills such as; Post-partum depression, extremely sensitive baby, major crisis in other areas of life or (most likely) a lack of knowledge as to how or why this is important.
It can also be that the same areas your child struggles in are areas you struggle in which would suggest modelling this skill through interaction would be very challenging for you.
So, cut yourself some slack and know that you did the best you could with what you knew.
If your child struggles with self-regulation now, pat yourself on the back for recognizing this and do what you can to help set him up for success in the future.