You want to stop, but you keep heading in a downward spiral until there's nothing left but a heap of lies and deceit.
The addiction controls your every waking thought and action.
Your mind is bent on it.
You drive those closest to you away.
No one is on your side.
Everyone is against you.
In a way, you want people to pity you.
To feel sorry for you.
When they don't, you instantly turn against them.
You're a pitcher in a game of you against the world.
It's a game you can not win.
Repeatedly, you try again and again to defeat the inner demons.
You tell yourself that this will be the last time.
You justify using because of insignificant, minuscule things like having a good day at work.
You're wrong and you know it.
Will you do anything about it? Maybe you will and maybe you won't.
It all depends on that persons will to strive for a better life.
How do I know these things? These have been ripples in a pool of everyday life for me these past five years.
Memories of a happy childhood have faded away.
You look at pictures and old home movies of happy times and wonder if they ever happened.
How can someone as miserable as me have such great days in my past? Could this alternate life of taken place in some other existence besides the morbid world I know now? Do I strive to be miserable? Do I want and need chaos in my life? Why, when things are going good do I feel the need to climb right back into a dark hole? Why watch my dreams wash away in a stream of illusions when I have so much valuable time left in life? Why destroy and abuse the relationships of those dearest to your heart? You take something as beautiful as a Maui sunset and throw it away for a handful of pills.
What forces someone to do these things? Could it be that I'm so used to being alone that it's actually comforting to me? I guess only time will tell.