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• Latest Late-Night Jokes
• Classic Late-Night Jokes
• Barack Obama Jokes
• Congress Jokes

"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers

"I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts." –Bill Maher

"Presidents Day, of course, started out as celebration of Washington's birthday. Then someone remembered it was Lincoln's birthday on the 12th. So now we celebrate Washington, Lincoln and all the other Presidents. I have no idea how this led to mattress sales. It's probably something do with Bill Clinton." –Craig Ferguson

"While celebrating Canada's defeat over Sweden in men's hockey, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walked into a fire hydrant, injuring his groin. It's really saying something when this is the least embarrassing thing Rob Ford has done all year. It's almost presidential for Rob Ford."  –Seth Meyers

"The U.S. men's hockey team beat Russia on Saturday in a very dramatic shoot-out. That was exciting. The American team said they're thrilled with the win, while the Russian team is missing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The President gave a great State of the Union address. President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats – and yet – Justin Bieber remains a free man." –Bill Maher

"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question : 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'" –Bill Maher

"This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn't know if she's running for president in 2016. Isn't that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she's the only one in the country who doesn't know she's running for president in 2016?" –Jay Leno

"A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on." –Jay Leno

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, 'Pray for us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After the president's State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, 'Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I'm wrong is a holiday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane." –Conan O'Brien

 "New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this Bridgegate scandal. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Christie was asked, 'Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, 'Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it.'" –David Letterman

"People are saying Governor Chris Christie is not fit for office. So they'll have to widen the door again." –David Letterman

"People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane." –Conan O'Brien

"Somebody at Governor Christie's office was involved in a traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge. It clogged up a major artery, causing a huge traffic jam. But Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own arteries at the time." –Jay Leno

"Pundits are saying this could hurt his 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is this: Now that Christie is denying everything he sounds even more presidential, doesn't he?" –Jay Leno

“People are saying because he let his aides close down the George Washington Bridge, Christie could be unfit for office. And I said, hell, the guy could be unfit for his pants.” –David Letterman

"It's been reported in the news that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of 'Game of Thrones.' You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said that in Utah marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives." –Conan O'Brien

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