Abstract and Introduction
Introduction
As I ponder the final days of my emergency medicine residency, the gamut of emotions stream through my mind: pride in the fact that I survived, relief that the long hours and constant sleep deprivation is almost over, hope that I have learned what I needed to be a proficient emergency doctor, sadness in having to leave those who have taught me so much, and fear that I will soon be out on my own without the protective cocoon that was my residency training.
I can still recall the feelings I had prior to my first shift as an intern. I was finally a doctor, and I was sure that I knew how to care for my patients. I walked into that first shift confident, with my head held high. I left that next morning a beaten down shell of a doctor, having just watched a 22 year old, two week postpartum patient become unresponsive from a large subdural hematoma, just as I was patting myself on the back for getting my first LP. That was the first of many lessons I've learned throughout my residency, and I must admit that the thought of enduring more of these lessons on my own as an attending makes fear the strongest emotion I carry with me to my next destination.
I am not a big fan of change, as I'm sure is the case with many people. I have always found comfort in going to work as a resident because I knew no matter how difficult a patient was, I had a safety net. The attending physician had seen these cases before, knew the outcome of the case before I could even finish my presentation, and had all the answers to the questions I hadn't even thought of yet. I knew that everything would work out because I had my own personal Yoda who would impart their knowledge upon me so that I might save my ailing patients.
Knowing that the responsibility now falls upon my shoulders is something I do not take lightly. Will I have all the answers? Will I be able to solve every diagnostic challenge on my own? Do I have enough wisdom to teach others? These are the questions that feed my fear - that wake me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. They make me wish (almost) that I was an intern again.
I like to believe this is a healthy fear I carry with me, and hope many of you carry it internally, as well. It is the one thing that will keep us humble, force us to listen to every patient, order the tests that we feel are needed to reach a diagnosis, and will ultimately make us better physicians. I also feel this fear can be subdued if we continue to utilize those fellow colleagues or partners who have seen so much more than us new grads. As a new grad, we cannot be too proud or too naive to ask for help from our senior partners. I have been taught that medicine is an art, and as physicians we need constant mentoring to help us perfect it.
For this reason, I chose to join the Young Physicians Section of AAEM. All of the members are less than seven years from graduation, so they all can remember that sense of self doubt and fear that comes with becoming an attending. It is an instant social support group for new grads, with an exciting core bunch of young physicians who are more than willing to offer their wisdom and guidance to us. It is the reason YPS was formed - to help foster the careers of us new grads - and I encourage all younger AAEM members to take advantage of what YPS has to offer.