Unfortunately sometimes no matter what you do as a parent no matter how you would want to develop a good parent child relationship, no matter how patient you are or what approach you take your child only seems to respond when you get angry. Good parenting communication happens when you and your child meet in the middle and understand each other's needs.

I am sure many parents can have asked this question.

So what is the answer?

Parents need to understand and realize that children have an uncanny ability to judge when their parents mean business. Identifying this, they also know exactly how much they can push before their parents come down hard on them. Children test and test to see where their parents' boundaries are. Parents who have not set their boundaries leave themselves open and as common as this situation may be, it is not necessarily a good one.

When parents show anger they often say and do things that they regret later. Anger can result in parents saying nasty things about their children's character and often if said in front of other people this
humiliates the child. This could have dramatic effects on the child's level of self-esteem.

Parents also risk saying destructive things to their children whilst in a rage, things like "You are just plain lazy" "Are you stupid"? What is it that you don't understand"? "You are good for nothing"
Some parents may relate to these comments either being said to them whilst they were growing up, or perhaps even been guilty of having used these comments with their own children, at a time when the children have pushed them past their boundaries.

Although parents realize that the derogatory comments they have made are not meant literally, the child doesn't and unfortunately the child takes every word literally and these negative comments do have an adverse effect on the child.

Another disadvantage for parents when they lose their cool, with
their children, is that children get to realize, just how much they can affect their parents emotionally.

Subconsciously, the child uses this knowledge and uses it as a power control over the parents. Children learn very quickly how to use parents frequent temper outbursts to their advantage. What happens on an unconscious level is that the child learns that when the parent is provoked it takes exactly
a certain amount of time before the parent reacts angrily, then the child also realizes that the parent after having lost his/her temper will settle down and become remorseful, feeling of guilt is then experienced by the parent and at that time the parent becomes distracted while they take time out to cool down and gain control. Having made this discovery the child realizes that to push a parent beyond their boundary, causing the parent to lose control is a good way of keeping parents off balance and taking advantage of the situation, usually resulting in them getting their own way.

Anger is not productive and damages parents' credibility:

Parents who have frequent outbursts of anger lower their credibility.

When anger takes over the parent loses control of the situation and hence the very point they are trying to make is not effective because it gets lost amidst a whole lot of other issues that get dragged up.

A Parent who is constantly yelling and losing their temper has little influence on their child. At first perhaps the child will respond. However when the parent uses the same uncontrollable approach when things go wrong,the result is that the child becomes immune to the yelling and the child quickly learns to switch to selective hearing. This further results in frustrating the parents even more and hence the vicious cycle continues.

The above is an extract from the book "How to Beat Children at their Own Game' "This book belongs in the collection of every parent and parent to be, as it is a handy guide to problem solving and trouble-shooting all the various stages in raising children" it is available by going to http://www.lifestylepluscentre.com

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